Ep. 15 - Polyamory: Is Three a Crowd?

[00:12] Introduction: What Is Polyamory?

Ep. 15 - Polyamory: Is Three a Crowd?

Host: Dr. Kanwal Bawa | Guest: Roger | Runtime: 43:27 | Published: March 21, 2022

Dr. Bawa: Welcome to the Dr. Sex Fairy Podcast. I am Dr. Kanwal Bawa, and I am here to transform your life. Today we are discussing polyamory. Webster defines polyamory as the state or practice of having more than one open romantic relationship at a time. “Poly” comes from the Greek word meaning many, and “amory” from the Latin amor, meaning love.

Dr. Bawa: This differentiates polyamory from an open relationship in which partners may have sex with other people but do not necessarily love them. Polyamory involves loving relationships between more than two people and is essentially ethical, consensual non-monogamy.

Dr. Bawa: The statistics may surprise you. A study of 3,438 single U.S. adults found that about one in six respondents wanted to be polyamorous, one in nine had been polyamorous at some point, and about one in 15 knew someone who was or had been polyamorous. Among people who had tried it, some said they would do it again, while others found possessiveness or the emotional side difficult.

Dr. Bawa: Polyamory is far more mainstream than many people realize. I see polyamorous patients at Bawa Medical in Boca Raton for sexual health concerns, better sex, penis enlargement, vaginal rejuvenation, better orgasms, and more. Today I have a friend in the studio who lives in South Florida and is in a committed gay polyamorous relationship with two other men. They share a home and a life together. Welcome to the Dr. Sex Fairy Podcast, Roger.

Roger: Thank you, Dr. Bawa, for having me. I’m very excited to talk about this.

Dr. Bawa: It is going to be a great conversation. So let’s start with your story. How did you end up polyamorous?

[02:47] Roger’s First Polyamorous Relationship

Roger: Picture this: South Florida, beautiful sunshine, nineteen-something—we won’t say the year. I was about 20 years old and met two men at an event. We connected, including intimately, and the friendship evolved into a relationship.

Roger: I was with those two men for about two and a half years. They taught me a lot about myself, about love and relationships, and especially about polyamory. I learned that love can be very big, and I started asking why I should limit myself to only one partner.

Dr. Bawa: Did you live together?

Roger: We did. I’m the kind of person who, when I like something, I grab it and don’t let go. I moved in about two weeks later. We lived together for about a year and a half, then all moved to Atlanta together.

Roger: That relationship eventually ended, although I apparently did not get the memo when we first arrived in Atlanta. I am still very close with one of them, Leo. The other has since passed away. Leo is about 20 years older than I am, and I still call him Daddy. Twenty years later, it is interesting to look at how much my relationship style has evolved.

[04:31] From Monogamy to a Three-Person Household

Dr. Bawa: How did Atlanta take a polyamorous relationship?

Roger: They did not take it well. It was very taboo. People sometimes assume that if you have two partners, you just want to have your cake and eat it too. They do not understand that loving two people does not mean you love one less than the other.

Roger: Today I am married to a man I have been with for 18 years, and we also have our third partner. We have been with him for three years and all live together as one family.

[05:20] Opening the Relationship and Finding a Consistent Third

Dr. Bawa: Is he your first third partner?

Roger: No. Our current partner is actually the fifth partner my husband and I have had over roughly the last ten or eleven years. We started as a monogamous, closed relationship. Later we opened the relationship and had intimate relationships with other people.

Roger: When we moved back to South Florida, our work schedules were different. My husband was working overnights and I was working during the day, so we decided it might be good to have a consistent third person who could offer companionship when the other partner was unavailable.

Roger: Our first partner in that phase was Justin. He was with us for about nine months and then decided he wanted a relationship of his own. It was not a bad breakup. He wanted what we had and wanted to go find it.

[07:41] Triangles, V Relationships and Honesty

Roger: Our next relationship was different. That person was my partner but not my husband’s partner, so it was what we call a V relationship. In polyamory there are triangles, Vs, and many other configurations.

Roger: A triangle is a closed relationship among three partners. A V has one person at the center who is romantically involved with two people who are not romantically involved with each other. In that situation, I was with my husband and my boyfriend, but they were not intimate with each other.

Dr. Bawa: And your husband was not jealous?

Roger: No. He understood the situation and what that person offered me at that time. He was actually protective of me because he is a good judge of character.

Roger: We eventually had another relationship that lasted about two years and shifted between all three of us being together and then just me being with the third partner. It ultimately ended because honesty broke down. Communication and honesty have to be completely on the table from the beginning. If someone cannot be honest with me or with himself, it simply does not work.

Dr. Bawa: It just does not work.

[09:28] When One Partner Dates Separately

Roger: Our fourth partner was interesting because he was initially my husband’s boyfriend. It was the first time my husband had a partner I was not involved with. I encouraged it. My husband is much more introverted, and I wanted him to have that experience. I was not jealous. Eventually the three of us did become involved together, and that relationship lasted about a year and a half before the other person decided he wanted more independence.

Roger: Then came our current partner. I met him at an event. He is 20 years younger than I am, which really put me in the position my older partners had been in when I was 20.

[11:28] Becoming “Daddy” and Family Dynamics

Dr. Bawa: Now you’re Daddy.

Roger: Now I’m Daddy and he is the boy. My former partner Leo is now Papaleo. It becomes an interesting family dynamic.

Roger: In some ways, people already navigate multi-person family systems all the time. Divorced families coordinate with ex-spouses, new spouses, children, recitals, schedules, and responsibilities. Polyamory simply means you have the ability to love multiple people. It does not necessarily mean you have to be intimate with all of them.

[12:23] Family Acceptance

Dr. Bawa: How do your families feel about this? Do they know?

Roger: They know. My parents are very traditional Latino parents. They understood when I came out as gay, but when I had two men in my life my mother would keep asking, “So are you with him or are you with him?” I would say, “Both.” That was about as far as she wanted to take the conversation at first.

Roger: Over time my parents became very accepting. They love Leo. He has cooked with my mother. When our current partner moved in with us, my mother was initially concerned that he might be taking advantage of us.

[13:48] Not a Sugar Baby: Family Concerns

Dr. Bawa: He is not a sugar baby.

Roger: No, and we are not sugar daddies. He pays rent and contributes to the household just like my husband and I do. The first year was a little rough for my mother, but by the second year she was coming around, and now she is very connected to him.

Roger: Interestingly, his parents were not as concerned about the polyamory as they were about the age difference. They wondered what two older men were doing with their son. We opened our home, invited them in, went out with them, and showed them that he is an equal partner and that we are good for him, not trying to take advantage of him.

[14:53] Living Together, Sleeping and Sex

Dr. Bawa: You are three consenting adults who have made a lifestyle decision. What is interesting is that people often confuse polyamory with swinging, but the two can be very different. Swinging does not necessarily involve the same emotional commitment or shared life. You have a third person living with you full time, which raises all kinds of questions. How do you sleep? How does sex work?

Roger: Having our current partner move in was new for us too. Previous partners had their own homes or lived with their parents. We might spend nights or weekends together, but nobody had officially lived with us.

Roger: Our house helps because it is about 2,400 square feet with four bedrooms and three bathrooms. Everyone has space. I have my own space, my husband has his, and our partner has his own room and bed. He can sleep there, with us, or wherever makes sense. We also have a guest room.

[16:28] Sleeping Arrangements for Three

Roger: Most of the time all three of us sleep together in a king-sized bed. The boyfriend sleeps in the middle and the Daddies sleep on the ends. Sometimes three warm bodies get too hot and one of us moves to another room.

Roger: Sex can happen together or separately. We do not have a rule that someone cannot have sex unless the other person is present. When you live together and there is trust, you cannot realistically police intimacy that way. I might be intimate with our boyfriend one night, then leave for work in the morning and my husband and he may be intimate later. Good for them.

[18:08] A Younger Partner, Libido and Performance Pressure

Dr. Bawa: Do you think there is more pressure to perform when one partner is much younger? I see many men in polyamorous relationships and I treat a lot of erectile dysfunction. Erectile dysfunction is a spectrum—it can mean going soft too early, not getting as hard as before, not lasting as long, or difficulty getting an erection at all. Does having a younger partner make that more noticeable?

Roger: My partner is 23. The wind blows and he is excited. I’m 43, and I cannot always keep up with that level of libido. I take care of myself and try to stay youthful, but metabolism and sex drive change as we get older.

Roger: Would I like sex every day? Sure. Can I always have sex every day? No. I cannot always keep up, and he is 23.

Dr. Bawa: The nice thing for him is that he has two men. When one Daddy is tired, he can go to the other. It takes pressure off both of you.

Roger: Exactly. We have also allowed him to be open in the relationship because he is 23. If he is at an event, meets a cute guy and wants to have some fun, he can. That is the age when people explore and do crazy things.

[20:14] STIs, HIV Status and Safer Sex

Dr. Bawa: I hate to be a party pooper, but what about sexually transmitted infections? How do you work around that?

Roger: Like anything else, you get tested regularly. You should know something about the person you are with and ask appropriate questions: Are you HIV positive? Do you have an STI? That is a fair question, not a shaming question.

Roger: There are also tools to reduce risk. Condoms and PrEP can reduce HIV risk, although they do not prevent every infection. We all get tested regularly. I test every four to six months. Our younger partner is on PrEP and is tested every three months as part of that care.

Roger: I am HIV positive and have been for more than 20 years. I have been compliant with treatment and have been undetectable and untransmittable for years.

Dr. Bawa: You have been compliant with your medications and regimen, which is excellent. Everybody knows everybody’s status and can make informed decisions.

Roger: Absolutely. Knowing your status and managing it responsibly is different from being with someone who does not know their status at all.

[22:15] Date Nights, Shared Calendars and Public Attention

Dr. Bawa: How do dates work when you are with two partners? Do you go out in pairs or all three together?

Roger: All of the above. Sometimes there is a set Daddy-and-boy date night. If my husband is working overnight, it may be Poppy-and-boy date night. We also go out together as a group, go to museums, or plan other activities.

[23:18] Shared Calendars and Making Time

Roger: We really enjoy being together. Another secret to our relationship is a shared calendar. My schedule can be crazy, my husband’s is more structured, and we look for times when all three of us are available. That is how we plan movies, parks, dinners, and other things.

[23:41] Public Attention and Privacy

Dr. Bawa: You are very well known locally in Fort Lauderdale. Do either of your partners resent the attention you get? People recognize you, come up to you, and you are frequently in the public eye.

Roger: It takes some getting used to. When I started my job years ago and became more visible in the community, people began coming up to us in restaurants to say hello. My husband initially found it irritating because our dinner would keep getting interrupted, so sometimes we go to Miami or Boca just to get a little more privacy.

Roger: When our current partner joined us, I had to explain the bubble I live in. If you are with me, people may recognize you, photograph you, or see us together. Our relationship is not a secret.

Roger: The flirtation took some getting used to too. My job is very social and sometimes very flirtatious. Both partners understand that, but like anyone, they also want my undivided attention. That is why I block out time. Friday nights are family nights. We also have dinner together most evenings. We cook—or rather they cook and I order—and sit down together to talk about our days. That is probably my favorite time of day.

[27:29] A Fourth Partner, Cheating and Relationship Rules

Dr. Bawa: So there is really no room in your life for a fourth full-time partner?

Roger: Not full time. There was a period when I had another partner for a couple of months, but that was more sexual than day-to-day. A fourth full-time person is hard because there are only 24 hours in a day.

Dr. Bawa: Many people consider polyamory a form of cheating. What do you tell them?

Roger: It is not cheating if everybody knows about it. Cheating is about dishonesty. The expectation that one person must satisfy every single need for the rest of your life does not work for everybody.

Roger: If I am honest with my husband and tell him I want a particular experience with somebody else, I do not consider that cheating. We may or may not share every detail afterward; that depends on whatever agreements we have in place.

Dr. Bawa: And two decades later, you are still coming home to each other. That is what matters.

Roger: Exactly. Some people do not like the word rules, but every relationship has agreements or boundaries. One of ours is that I sleep at home. I do not stay overnight at somebody else’s house. I need to be back in my own bed with my partner.

Dr. Bawa: So you function within parameters you have set for yourselves as a family.

[31:05] Children in Polyamorous Families

Dr. Bawa: How do children fit into this? Have you considered having children?

Roger: My husband and I tried to have children four or five years ago through adoption and surrogacy, but it did not work out for us at that time. I never say never, although at our age I do not necessarily want to be retiring while a child is starting college.

Roger: We have talked about possibly adopting an older child from foster care someday. With three adults in the house already, adding another person would be a lot right now.

Roger: I also know a local polyamorous family raising two young children. They say one advantage is having an extra pair of hands.

Dr. Bawa: Do you think that confuses the children? I’m just playing devil’s advocate.

Roger: Not as much as television. You cannot control what TV says, but you can control what you teach your child. A young child does not need sexual details. They can simply understand that the adults in the home are important caregivers. As the child grows older, you can explain more.

[32:58] Why Polyamory Is More Visible in LGBTQ Communities

Dr. Bawa: Statistically, the LGBTQ community appears more likely to engage in polyamorous relationships. Why do you think that is?

Roger: Part of it is that LGBTQ people have often had to create chosen families because not everyone is fortunate enough to have supportive biological families. We have also had to think more deliberately about what family and relationships can look like.

Roger: Gay men can also be more open about sexuality and about having sex with others while remaining committed to a partner. Sometimes that naturally evolves into a multi-person relationship.

Roger: I know many polyamorous couples in the Fort Lauderdale area alone, with relationships ranging from about a year to 15 years. There is no single shape or size that fits everyone.

Dr. Bawa: Do you see more male polyamorous couples or more female polyamorous couples?

Roger: Definitely more male couples in my experience, but younger generations are much more sexually fluid. I am seeing more combinations of men and women and more heterosexual polyamorous relationships too.

Dr. Bawa: Have you been with a woman?

Roger: Yes, I have been with a few women. Going on a date with a woman feels different from going out with a man. It is a different dynamic, but interesting.

[35:17] Marriage, the “Third” and Insecurity

Dr. Bawa: Do you think more polyamorous gay couples are married or simply living together?

Roger: Most of the polyamorous couples I know started with a very established primary relationship. Marriage can solidify that because ending it involves lawyers, negotiations, and a major life change. That stability can make people more comfortable bringing in a third person.

Roger: But being the third can be difficult. I have been on both sides. I have been the third, and now I am in the primary relationship. The third person can feel like they do not have a say or are not truly equal. We have had to work through that with our current partner too.

Dr. Bawa: Even when everyone is loving, that position can feel somewhat insecure.

Roger: Yes. Insecurity and jealousy can be nasty feelings. I am fortunate that I am not a very jealous person and that I am secure in what I have to offer. If someone does not want that, that is their choice and their loss.

[37:33] Emotional Intimacy With More Than One Partner

Dr. Bawa: Do you think you can have true emotional intimacy equally with your husband and your third partner?

Roger: Absolutely. My husband and I have been together for 18 years. Our intimacy is very solid. We know each other so well that we can often tell when the other is having a bad day without even speaking.

Roger: Our relationship with our current partner is newer, about three years, but the intimacy continues to grow. He loves both of us, but each of us offers him different things. My husband is less emotional and more logical. I am the more emotional one. Depending on what our partner needs, he may go to one of us rather than the other.

Roger: That is something I learned very early in polyamory. We love different people for different qualities. One person may be nurturing, another may challenge you, another may bring something else entirely. Loving one person for one set of traits does not prevent you from loving another person for different traits.

Roger: Our current partner is still young and sometimes self-conscious, which is normal at 23. He is also building his own circle of friends and exploring. Do I feel a little jealousy sometimes? Sure. Part of me wishes I were 23 again, and part of me wonders whether he could fall in love with somebody else and leave.

Roger: But I am open to the idea that he could eventually have a partner of his own while remaining in our family. Polyamory can start looking like an organizational chart once everybody’s relationships branch out.

Dr. Bawa: You are confusing my little brain, but I am learning a lot.

[42:30] Closing

Dr. Bawa: What a great conversation this has been. I have learned so much. Thank you for coming into the studio today and being so open about your life and your relationship. I know a lot of people will learn from this conversation. I hope you will come back soon.

Roger: I would love to come and talk some more.

[42:58] Recorded Outro

Dr. Bawa: I hope you enjoyed the Dr. Sex Fairy Podcast today. I would love to continue this conversation with you. If you would like my top three secrets for amazing sex, send me an email at askme@drsexfairy.com and I will share them with you. Don’t forget to follow this podcast and leave me a five-star review. Until next time.