Ep. 163: Porn Star Brandi Love on Why MILFs Drive Men Wild

[00:00] Revisited Introduction

Ep. 163: Porn Star Brandi Love on Why MILFs Drive Men Wild

Host: Dr. Kanwal Bawa | Guest: Brandi Love | Runtime: 29:59 | Published: December 31, 2024

Dr. Bawa: Welcome to America's top sexuality podcast, Dr. Sex Fairy. I am Dr. Kanwal Bawa, America's favorite sex doctor, and I am here to transform your life. Today I am bringing back one of the most talked-about episodes in Dr. Sex Fairy history: a fascinating conversation with the iconic porn star Brandi Love. For those of you who may not know, MILF stands for Mother I'd Like to Fuck, and it has become a cultural phenomenon representing confidence, allure, and sexuality beyond traditional stereotypes. Some women find the term MILF deeply offensive, while some wear it as a badge of honor. This episode dives deep into what makes the concept so intriguing and why it captivates so many. Whether you are new to this podcast or loved this episode the first time, this is one you will not want to miss.

[01:00] Opening Clip: Confidence and the MILF

Brandi Love: Yes, my body was different when I was younger, and I didn't, I didn't appreciate it. I was always striving for more. Perfect this, lose this weight, do that. And now, even with my imperfections, I feel sexier and more confident and more comfortable, lights on, and, and always having an orgasm. It, it, you do come into your own, and I think that is kind of how I see the definition of a MILF, and why it's so attractive. Who doesn't like confidence?

[01:30] Welcome Back and Meet Brandi Love

Dr. Bawa: Welcome to America's number one sexuality podcast, Dr. Sex Fairy. I am Dr. Kanwal Bawa, America's favorite sex doctor, and I am here to transform your life. This is our very first episode after our summer hiatus, and we have pulled out all the stops. The Dr. Sex Fairy Podcast is now audio and video, so make sure you subscribe to our YouTube channel, Dr. Sex Fairy in addition to subscribing on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. The Dr. Sex Fairy Podcast is a forum where we discuss sexual medicine and sexuality in all their flavors. The concept of a MILF is one that we are all aware of. I have always wondered what the attraction is all about. I recently spoke to a lady who embodies the very concept of a MILF. World famous adult star and author of Getting Wild Sex From Your Conservative Woman, Brandi Love. Welcome, Brandi. I am so happy that you're on the Dr. Sex Fairy Podcast today.

Brandi Love: I'm very happy to be here. Thanks for having me.

Dr. Bawa: So let's jump right into it. What is a MILF and why do men find a MILF so attractive?

[02:40] What Is a MILF?

Brandi Love: Well, it's one of those few words I don't even think is subjective. The term MILF is in itself a definition of a type of woman. When I personally think of a MILF and how I feel about myself now, I get to now be in that category of The Graduate… Mrs. Robinson, Stifler's mom, American Pie. And when those movies came out, I was already a MILF. I had a child and I was living a particular life. And fast forward 20 years, what I understand about it is, it's a feeling. There's a maturity of mind, a maturity of attitude, a maturity of sexuality. It's truly being confident in who you are and where you are in life. So, you know, when you think of a MILF, nobody wants a broke MILF. So she's financially arrived. And that in of itself is sexy to most men. You're a mom, so you're naturally nurturing. Women who have children tend to be less selfish. You're financially viable. You're sexually aggressive and know what you want. What's there not to like?

Dr. Bawa: So you're telling me that women should not be offended by the term MILF.

Brandi Love: Ah, offended? I can't fathom because to me it's always been a compliment. From the time I got into the adult industry, that term was being utilized. I, I embrace it. I loved it. I loved everything it stood for and I still do to this day. If I stopped being called a MILF, I'd be sad, because it's a, to me it's a term of endearment. You're not going to be called a MILF and people go, you're unattractive and we don't want you. People say that as a, you know, “You're smoking.” Oh yeah, so, I've always thought of it as a compliment. To be fair some women I guess could be offended by it, but I guess that'd be the same type of woman that would be offended if a man said, “You're attractive,” or whistled at you. I mean, would that be better for them to go, “You're really unattractive and ugly.” That way it gets stuck. So it's subjective. I guess that some women might find it offensive because of its sexual connotation, but again, you're talking to me, who owns it, and I find it, again, a compliment.

Dr. Bawa: Your start in the adult film industry happened somewhat later in life compared to the average adult star. Tell us a little bit about that.

[05:05] How Brandi Entered the Adult Industry

Brandi Love: My husband and I were both in corporate America. I was very fortunate to get to stay home, with our firstborn for five years until she went to kindergarten. And it was about two and a half, three years old that I started to want to go back to work. but I didn't want to leave the baby. So, interestingly, my husband was traveling and I decided to go to amateur night at the local strip club. Like, literally, like, I don't even know where it came from. I mean, I've always been adventurous. It was very natural. I grew up on a stage. I was a classically trained ballerina. I was a figure skater. So I guess having that attention was never scary to me; it was quite natural. I am a performer. So I thought, "Well, this really throws a loop. I don't know what's going to happen. But it's a late-night shift. What if it goes great? I could pick up hours." And I remember calling Chris at like 11 o'clock at night on the way to the club.

Brandi Love: I said, "Babe, what would you think if I told you I'm on my way to amateur night?" And he was silent for like two seconds and he goes, "That's hot." He was like, "Knock ‘em dead." I ended up winning, almost fell off the stage. I had the time of my life. I didn't know what I was doing, I'd never worn stripper shoes, never taken my top off—like, that was next level, right? I'd done bikini contests but never that. So I figured, "I'm either going to run off stage or this is going to be a new chapter." And here we are 20 years later. I'm obviously an exhibitionist on top of everything else.

Dr. Bawa: I read in your book that you still dance a few times a month.

Brandi Love: That, I haven't for about two, COVID kind of changed that because the feature dancing kind of stopped for a bit. And my life got so busy, to be fair. I don't feature dance anymore, but I think about it. Like there's a few clubs that I would definitely go back to. It's a, it's a natural high. The release of endorphins and the excitement of the stage and performing that way for me is exhilarating. So, I never say never. I might do it again.

Dr. Bawa: The night is still young.

Brandi Love: The night is still young.

Dr. Bawa: So, how do you advise women who are not necessarily in the adult industry, but may want to perform for their partner, just to spice things up? How do you recommend that they get started?

[07:45] Performing for Your Partner and Keeping Sex Fun

Brandi Love: Oh my gosh, it's... there's a movie, I can't think of the movie right now, but it's got Arnold Schwarzenegger, and can't think of her name, but she pole dances on the bedpost, like she's trying to seduce him, and she has no idea what she's doing, but she's so into the moment, and she so wants to turn him on, and she ends up falling, and it's a total disaster, and so sexy.

Brandi Love: My biggest advice would be don't have any fear. Let your guard down. Be vulnerable. Sex is fun. It's supposed to be fun and our bodies make funny sounds and we do silly things and we're goofy. I would embrace that and just go for it and keep your love life adventurous. Even if you're not sure you're into it, but your husband or boyfriend says, "I would love to see you dance," do it. Just do it. Do it for him. Not for you, right? If that makes sense. You're going to love it, and I would say the same back. There might be things that your woman says, "Hey, I'd really like to try this." Be open to doing so. Because it can, your sex life should always be evolving. You don't ever want it to get stagnant.

Dr. Bawa: And like you said, there has to be humor in a relationship. There has to be that lightness, because otherwise, life is so hard as it is that if you can't even have fun with each other and laugh with and at each other during sex, you know, it's just a lot of stress people put on themselves.

Brandi Love: And sex is supposed to be the stress reducer, a stress reliever. So definitely being open, have fun, explore, play. I think that's a really important word is we play as kids, you're in the sandbox, you're kicking soccer balls, you're playing baseball, we play. And as adults, we work and we're serious and there's stressors, and there's responsibilities. We should, sex should be our playtime. And really, have fun.

Dr. Bawa: And I don't think you can really orgasm and enjoy sex to its fullest if you're not having fun. If you don't have that connection with somebody.

Brandi Love: The connection, I think you're right about, like, people taking it so seriously. If you're thinking about what your face looks like, or, or what sounds your body's going to make, or what things are going to be released, you're going to be tense and psychologically, you're not free, which for many women, that's a problem.

Brandi Love: I would say that you're the doctor, so we'll go, I'll defer to you, but it would seem from what I've seen in emails and conversations I've had, that it's the psychological block that prevents women from having a full orgasm. Would you, would you agree with that?

[10:10] Psychological vs. Physical Barriers to Orgasm

Dr. Bawa: I think it's a little bit of this and a little bit of that because there are women who are so tense psychologically.

Brandi Love: Right.

Dr. Bawa: That they cannot let themselves have that release.

Brandi Love: They can't relax.

Dr. Bawa: Yes, they cannot relax into it and some, some of them will come to my office and blame their partner but the truth of the matter is they don't even let the partner go down on them. They don't want to have sex with the lights on. It is such a restricted and oppressive sexual environment that there's no way anybody can be having orgasms in that. That said, some women have issues over time. As we age, we lose collagen, we lose sensitivity in the clitoris. The clitoris itself shrinks. So when that is the area that is most pleasurable to a woman…You know, according to the numbers, only about 18 percent of women can orgasm vaginally, inside.

Brandi Love: Yes. Yes.

Dr. Bawa: So, when you think about that, you are a lucky lady. So, you know, when you think about that, it's so important that the clitoris maintains its size. Yet, like the face, the clitoris is sagging too with age. So, it's important to maintain the surface area, because the bigger the clitoris, the more you can stimulate, and the more pleasure you can have. So, yes, psychological but also physical.

[12:40] Aging, Confidence and Sexual Maturity

Brandi Love: And going back to your very first question, if we can, that it leads right back to what is a MILF and what is it like being a MILF? I didn't think it was like when you're in your 30s and even early 40s and people say you arrive when you get to a particular age, you'll know when you get there, you'll see what I'm talking about, you'll feel what I'm talking about. I never got it, and now I do. My skin's not as tight as when I was younger, my body doesn't have the exact same shape, and I wouldn't trade who I am and how I feel for anything, even the sagging skin. And it's because of the, the mental maturity, the financial maturity, the comfort within your own skin.

Brandi Love: Yes, my body was different when I was younger, and I didn't, I didn't appreciate it. I was always striving for more. Perfect this. Lose this weight. Do that. And now, even with my imperfections, I feel sexier, and more confident, and more comfortable, lights on, and, and always having an orgasm.

Brandi Love: You do come into your own, and I think that is kind of how I see the definition of a MILF, and why it's so attractive. Who doesn't like confidence? It's not arrogance; it's comfort with yourself and being confident with who you are.

Dr. Bawa: I could not agree more because I think that as I have become older, as I am now into my mid 40s I feel more myself than I ever have.

Brandi Love: 100%.

Dr. Bawa: And I am at a point where I love myself. This is it. Take it or leave it. I'm living my best life. And I can't imagine that men don't find that attractive. And I do agree with you that that probably is the biggest factor, the most important factor that leads to the attraction of a MILF.

Brandi Love: The term MILF really kind of hit its stride with American Pie, Mrs. Robinson, the original, and then it was rekindled with American Pie, and it is now such.. it's a genre within the adult industry. Next to teen which used to be number one, now It's like teen and MILF which is so polar opposites. Interesting, but it's that pivotal, and I cannot believe that at this point in my career, 20 years in, I just signed an exclusive contract with Vixen Media Group, which I certainly believe, and to most, it is the premier adult entertainment company. And the main site that I'm being featured on is called milfy.com. So the entire site is dedicated to exactly what we're talking about, which is primarily sexually mature, aggressive, capable women seeking their pleasure.

[14:50] Do Adult Performers Fake Orgasms?

Dr. Bawa: There you go. So tell me about women in the adult industry. Women in the average relationship are often faking orgasms. Are adult stars faking them just as often or are they having a better time of it?

Brandi Love: That comment alone makes me sad, which I'm sure it does you as well because again, with life stressors, the one release and the one joy we have is sexual pleasure. It's been that way since the beginning of time and it's the number one most favored activity no matter where you live in this world and typically no matter what gender. So that is, that's shocking statistics and it's sad that people don't put more effort to ensure that they have an orgasm. Most of the women I know on set have my attitude that, “We're going to work and we're getting to get paid to have orgasms.”

Brandi Love: Literally, that's my mentality "I am going to get mine. I know he's going to get his or hers."

Dr. Bawa: Ha!

Brandi Love: So that's my attitude. I think that would be the most successful scene. There are times when probably three times in my entire career that I didn't and it wasn't because the partner it was, “We got his pop shot. Time to go.” Like, scene was over. I'm like…

Dr. Bawa: “What about me? What's up?

Brandi Love: Just give me three more minutes." so in general, I think, women in the industry are striving for that. There is that handful that perhaps just wants to go to work, get their check, and they aren't required to have one. Don't. And maybe even a smaller handful that don't, just don't want one or, or don't, aren't thinking of themselves as the one that should because it's sometimes male centric. The pop shot. Everyone knows the pop shot. That's referring to the male. That's not referring to the female, right? So I, I think it's in attitude, but I would, I, it might be strong, but I'm saying, I would say at least 50 percent of the women in adult strive for a real orgasm.

[16:50] How Male Performers Stay Hard

Dr. Bawa: So let's talk about the men in the adult industry. What are their secrets to staying rock hard for a scene?

Brandi Love: There are several. And I'd say each guy has his own protocol. That's part of what makes them such great performers, is they are incredibly in tune to their bodies. I know performers that won't even take aspirin for a headache because they're afraid it'll mess with their willy. They're incredibly organic and in tune to their body. Some utilize supplements, organic, and some use supplements that are therapeutic, like Viagra and Cialis and, and such. The reason they're in adult entertainment is because they're sexual athletes.

Brandi Love: They have literally trained their penis and their mind to be one. And it is, again, in 20 years, I think I've had one scene not able to go through because he couldn't finish or couldn't perform at all. And that's not like a, “Ooh, bad, bad guy”. That's incredibly low stats. These men are, again, just, they're athletes. They, they take the time to do what most guys wouldn't, right? They're horny, they get excited, they jerk off, and they're done. These guys would edge for a whole day. You know, edging is training your, your, your penis to work with you. You're telling it. Well, how many guys spend that kind of time training their dick to work for them? Usually the dick runs the guy, right?

Dr. Bawa: Right.

Brandi Love: When it's ready, it gets what it wants and then it's done. So I, I give the male performers a tremendous amount of respect because they work hard to be able to get hard when told, stay hard, not come until they're told, and then be able to finish. It's not easy.

Dr. Bawa: I can't imagine it is. I, in fact, talk to my patients about edging in particular. And I've even done podcast episodes about how to last longer. And I can honestly tell you that men underestimate the power of edging, .of practicing. It's like athletic performance, like anything else. And you're right. If you're edging, edging, edging, you will last longer.

[18:50] Edging, ED and Treating the Root Cause

Brandi Love: Thousand percent. And from what I've heard, and it's with women too. Edging absolutely works with women too. It does. You get much better control over the end result.

Dr. Bawa: Yes.

Brandi Love: You know, because other people could be like, "Okay, we're ready. Go ahead for the pop shot." And they're trying and they're trying and they're trying and it's not happening. So again, it takes a lot of practice and, and wanting to have that kind of control.

Dr. Bawa: Now when it comes to Viagra and Cialis and even Trimix, which is the on demand shot that men give themselves for an erection, I'm sure you see that as well, but I feel that it's so much better to fix the issue and to optimize performance. By doing healthier things like increasing blood flow because poor blood flow is the number one cause of erectile dysfunction. And that's why at my office with BawaWave, with BawaRF, our radiofrequency protocol for men, we are having such amazing results. And I literally don't prescribe Viagra and Cialis. And now it's come to a point where I have some urologists sending their patients to us because they say, "Well, if you want your cancer treated, come to us. If you want your ED addressed, go to Dr. Bawa." So crazy times, right?

Brandi Love: Well, that's an incredible combination. For people, that must give so many people so, a sense of, of hope. I mean, because those are pretty serious, you just said two things that are both very serious, and now a man that would normally go, "It's over." You're, you two doctors are able to go, "No, it's not." I think that's incredible.

Dr. Bawa: Yes, and I think that doctors need to work with each other. More, and not just say, "Well, here's a Viagra, here's a Cialis, here's a prescription. Go home." And people, unfortunately, aren't really exploring the reason why men have sexual dysfunction. They're just giving them a prescription and calling it a day, and it's such a disservice to our patients, really.

Brandi Love: Well, I 100 percent am on board with you in all things that I believe in getting to the root. No matter how hard it is or the work needed to get there, if you can get to the root of it, you can fix it. Like, for real. Like orgasms. Wonderful. Because I do believe that, except for a very minute, very, very minute number of women, the average woman can have an exceptional orgasm. She just has to give herself the chance to get that. And why wouldn't you want to? I don't, I don't understand that. And if you've never felt one, that's like where you need a PhD. I would, I would never be able to understand why somebody wouldn't want to, right? Unless there's something that happened.

Dr. Bawa: Well, you know, some people have been told that sex is dirty.

Brandi Love: That's right. That's where I was going.

Dr. Bawa: And especially some, you know, religious ideology does have that concept of sex being dirty. And it only being present for procreation.

Brandi Love: Sure.

Dr. Bawa: Now when you've been raised with that kind of mentality, when you've been told, "Sex is dirty," or, "Sex is only for making babies," then you feel cheap. When you put yourself in that situation, you feel guilty like you're going to hell because you let your partner go down on you. So I'm sure that messes with a lot of women.

Brandi Love: I have no doubt. I've, I mean, I've been getting the emails for decades now with women trying to free themselves from that and/ or men trying to help their wives free themselves from those constraints and again, that's PhD. You just got to be willing to do the work. You can get over it. Look, you're an adult now. And I, it might sound unempathetic, but it's not. You get to a point in your life where nobody can control you. Your parents aren't controlling you. Religion's not controlling you. You now get to make your own choices. And why we wouldn't choose to embrace our sexuality and run with it, because I don't know anybody who's sexually liberated that's not happy. I'm just saying. It is something that can absolutely destroy a human when they're not living out who they actually are sexually.

[22:10] Sexual Shame, Pleasure and Vibrators

Dr. Bawa: Yes. And I think pleasure is important. And so even if you don't have a partner who's fulfilling you, well, maybe it's time to change the partner…

Brandi Love: Or get a vibrator.

Dr. Bawa: Get a vibrator. That was what I was just about to say. Get a vibrator.

Brandi Love: Yeah. I mean, you can have everything else and you found your one, but you just can't get there. Bring in some toys. Again, that goes with the play, being adventurous.

Dr. Bawa: You know what blows my mind is that so many women don't let their partner try. I mean, there are men who don't try, but so many women are getting in the way of their own pleasure.

Brandi Love: I've heard that before, too, where a gentleman will say, "I don't understand why my wife or girlfriend won't let me go down on her." I'm like, "Wait. Won't let you?" so that my first thought is is there something wrong, right? And then I would say again, if there's something wrong, why won't she fix it? I'm not a fan of letting things linger. If something's not right fix it and again whether it’s psychological or physical, that's hard for me. Have you ever met a man who says, "Yeah.. no, I don't want that blowjob?”

Dr. Bawa: No, that's never going to happen.

Brandi Love: I don't know why women would ever say especially for an eager partner. No, no, no, I don't like that.

Dr. Bawa: You know, I have a patient who came to me a few months ago who talked to me about inability to orgasm. I ask a lot of very detailed questions because if I don't ask detailed questions I don't really understand where they're coming from.

Brandi Love: Sure.

Dr. Bawa: So I asked her about her history, medical history, childbirth, menopause, all of those important questions. But then I asked her about oral sex and she said, "Well, we don't do that." And I said, "Why? He doesn't want to go down on you?" And she said, "I don't let him." And I couldn't understand why. So she said to me, "What if I smell?" and I said, "Just for that you have not let your husband of X number of years go down on you?" And she was committed to that. She said, "That's not happening."

Brandi Love: She's really really holding back his joy, too though to be fair especially if a gentleman wants to. Like I love oral giving and receiving and I mean you just you do things. You know, you know your own body. I mean, I'm not shy about it. I know exactly what I taste like, what I smell like. I, I just, I can't imagine not being aware of your body and or him, your scent might put him over the edge. We're made that way.

Dr. Bawa: Pheromones are a real thing.

Brandi Love: Right. So where she thinks she might smell or whatever, however she described it, she doesn't even know. It seems like, right? She says, "I might," and she might be preventing him from experiencing that, a bond that the pheromones would just, it would drive him nuts in the best way possible. That's, that's a shame.

[24:45] Oral Sex, Pheromones and the Orgasm Gap

Dr. Bawa: It really is.

Brandi Love: Yeah.

Dr. Bawa: And, you know, the orgasm gap exists because of things like this. So we love to blame the men, but we have to take responsibility.

Brandi Love: A hundred percent. And if you don't know how to give yourself an orgasm, how can you possibly have your mate help give you one?

Dr. Bawa: And vibrators are such an important tool for that.

Brandi Love: Yep. I agree.

Dr. Bawa: See?

Brandi Love: Yeah.

Dr. Bawa: But why not?

Brandi Love: Yeah.

Dr. Bawa: And there are women, even today, who come to my office who say, "Dr. Bawa, why don't you carry sex toys in your office? I am just too embarrassed to walk into a sex store." And they say to me, "I don't want to order it online,” when I say, “You know, you can order it online."

Brandi Love: Right.

Dr. Bawa: They say, "But what if that box comes and my partner opens it?"

Brandi Love: They'd probably be thrilled.

Dr. Bawa: I mean, they might think it's hot.

Brandi Love: Absolutely.

Dr. Bawa: Well, Brandi, let's talk about the MILF tune-up.

Brandi Love: That sounds like fun!

Dr. Bawa: Let's talk about what we're going to do with you next.

Brandi Love: I want to know, what are you going to do with me?

Dr. Bawa: Well, you mentioned to me how very orgasmic you are already, but that more is better.

Brandi Love: You and I had a conversation not that long ago. We were talking about how much effort we put into our appearance. You know, you eat healthy, you exercise. We get Botox from time to time. There's so many things that we can do. Extensions to, to help us feel our most beautiful and look our youngest, right? That's, nobody thinks about that. Well, why wouldn't we also take care of our most pleasurable area on our body? We think nothing of spending hundreds of dollars on, on injections. And if you're telling me that a little something something down there can refresh and make you feel even more orgasmic or more sensitive, sign me.

Dr. Bawa: Well, we're going to be doing this on you this coming week.

Brandi Love: I can't wait.

[27:25] The MILF Tune-Up

Dr. Bawa: And that will be part two of this episode.

Brandi Love: Perfect.

Dr. Bawa: See, the thing is that the vagina undergoes wear and tear just like the rest of our body, like you said. Now, we do tune ups at our face, we do tune ups everywhere, including body contouring, but vaginal rejuvenation is really misunderstood. Do you know that the average woman says to me, "Well, I'm not that bad yet," and I want to shake them and say, "Sister, how bad do you want things to get before you fix them?"

Brandi Love: Yeah.

Dr. Bawa: And what about preservation? Things may not be bad at all, but why not preserve? Because you're always going to have your best result and your best orgasm if you hit the problem before it even exists.

Brandi Love: Yeah, brilliant. I, I a hundred percent agree with that.

Dr. Bawa: So, Brandi, I can't wait to get you in the office and then do the follow-up with you.

Brandi Love: Can we do it now?

Dr. Bawa: This episode started out asking what defines a MILF. Clearly, the term is about so much more than simply a hot woman to have sex with. Strong, beautiful, experienced, and powerful women are a force to reckon with. And clearly, there are men who appreciate that. Thank you for spending time with me on this episode of the Dr. Sex Fairy Podcast. If you are watching this on YouTube, don't forget to leave questions and comments. I will answer them personally. Make sure you like my video and subscribe to my channel Dr. Sex Fairy so that you never miss a video. If you are listening on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or elsewhere, do subscribe to the Dr. Sex Fairy Podcast. We have more great content and guests to come. Check out my super hit TikTok account, @DrSexFairy, and my Instagram, @therealdrsexfairy. Until next time.