Ep. 156: From Sensual to Sexual

[00:02] Opening Excerpt: The 5-4-3-2-1 Sensory Technique

Ep. 156: From Sensual to Sexual

Host: Dr. Kanwal Bawa | Guest: Rachel Smith | Runtime: 23:04 | Published: November 26, 2024

Rachel Smith: It takes women about 20 to 30 minutes to become fully aroused before her body is actually ready to receive intercourse or penetration, right? So in that time, that is when we can really allow ourselves to expand on the sensual experience. And when I say sensual experience, I mean tapping into our senses. So one way that I help my clients tap into their senses is through a technique called 5-4-3-2-1.

[00:30] Welcome and Meet Rachel Smith

Dr. Bawa: Welcome to America's top sexuality podcast, Dr. Sex Fairy. I am Dr. Kanwal Bawa, America's favorite sex doctor, and I am here to transform your life. The Dr. Sex Fairy Podcast is now audio and video, so don't forget to subscribe to our YouTube channel, Dr. Sex Fairy, as well as subscribing on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. Our guest today is Rachel Smith, a South Florida-based licensed marriage and family therapist with a certification in sex therapy. And our topic today is one that has intrigued us all: sensuality versus sexuality. What is the difference between these two often confused concepts? Can one exist without the other? How can you explore and enhance both sensuality and sexuality in your life to make things in the bedroom hotter than ever? How can you improve your relationship and your sex life simultaneously? We will answer these questions and many more. So listen till the very end. Welcome, Rachel. Welcome to the Dr. Sex Fairy Podcast.

Rachel Smith: Thank you so much. It's such an honor to be here. I'm excited.

Dr. Bawa: I am honored to have you. So tell me, today's topic is really interesting. Sensuality, sexuality. What's the difference?

[02:05] Sensuality vs. Sexuality

Rachel Smith: Well, you know, in our society, I think we equate the two, right? But sexuality really speaks to the acts that we're doing sexually, while sensuality really talks about this idea of just being in our bodies, being in the present moment.

Dr. Bawa: It's really important to have sensuality if you're going to have true sexuality.

Rachel Smith: Yes.

Dr. Bawa: And often I think couples feel that sex is very black and white.

Rachel Smith: Yep.

Dr. Bawa: And I think that sensuality really brings you to that sexuality and heightens that anticipation.

Rachel Smith: Absolutely. I strongly believe in the work that I do with my couples. I am able to cultivate the sensuality, which allows for a beautiful bridge into sexuality.

Dr. Bawa: And how do you do that?

Rachel Smith: So a lot of times it's about learning how to feel into our bodies, right? When we're talking about sensuality, it's really about tapping into our senses. And so when we're able to get a feel of what are some of the things that I can feel or touch right now? What are some of the scents in the air? Can I light a beautiful candle? Can I get a beautiful massage oil? Can I put on some ambient music in the background? Something that helps us to calm ourselves, especially our nervous systems, because when we're stressed or overwhelmed, we have to learn how to relax and learn how to be present. And so that is really tapping into our sensual self. And then that really opens us up to be able to receive our partners sexually.

[03:42] Slowing Down and Being Present

Dr. Bawa: You know, the Kama Sutra - I'm from the land of the Kama Sutra - talks about that a lot. And I think back in the day, people were more aware of that than even modern-day America.

Rachel Smith: Right. Well, I think in our society, we're so pulled outside of ourselves in so many ways - our notifications, emails, our to-do lists, our routines. We have to get things done, right? And so when we're so caught up in our day-to-day and our to-dos, and what are we going to make the kids for lunch, and who's going to pick them up, and bedtime routines, we just get so caught up that we forget to slow down and feel and experience the connections and be present in that moment.

Dr. Bawa: Exactly. And you know, I'm not a therapist. I don't pretend to be one. I play one on TV. But the thing is, I often talk to couples in detail about what led to them coming to me.

Rachel Smith: Yes.

Dr. Bawa: Now, some couples come to me to improve what's already great, but some come to me because it's just not working on any level. So to understand how best to help them with actual treatments, you've got to know where they're coming from. And very often I feel that couples just want to get to wham, bam, thank you, ma'am. And there isn't that kiss in the morning on the way out the door, or maybe just a pat on the small of your back, or something casual but sensual.

Rachel Smith: Absolutely.

Dr. Bawa: There isn't that much of that.

Rachel Smith: No. Unfortunately.

[05:14] Building Desire Throughout the Day

Rachel Smith: Yes, exactly. It's very unfortunate because, especially for women, we love the buildup, right? Sex doesn't just happen in the act. Sex can start from the beginning of the day and even after an intimate experience. It can be a beautiful kind of cycle of connection and play and touch and all types of ways that we can connect intimately.

Dr. Bawa: And unfortunately, there are many people who are not very comfortable with their own sexuality, let alone somebody else's.

Rachel Smith: Exactly.

Dr. Bawa: And you must see a lot of that.

Rachel Smith: Yes, absolutely. Well, I think we live in a world of comparison, and so when we have certain messages being fed to us - our bodies are supposed to look a certain way, sex is a very specific act that we're supposed to do, or certain acts are involved - if we're so focused on a specific outcome, then oftentimes we miss the journey, right? And so part of my work with my clients is teaching them how to enjoy the journey rather than focusing on a specific destination.

[06:25] Body Confidence and Sexuality

Dr. Bawa: I love what you just said, and it reminds me of something I've quoted before in the movie Eat Pray Love. Have you watched that movie?

Rachel Smith: Yes.

Dr. Bawa: Do you remember that scene in Naples when they're eating pizza?

Rachel Smith: Yes.

Dr. Bawa: And Julia Roberts' friend is feeling really guilty about gaining weight.

Rachel Smith: Yep.

Dr. Bawa: And Julia Roberts says, "In all the years you've undressed in front of men, has anyone ever left?"

Rachel Smith: Exactly. They're happy just to be there.

Rachel Smith: Exactly. And that, you know, I think we could have another talk about women and how we feel in our bodies. But when we're not comfortable in our own skin, then oftentimes we don't want to invite anyone else in. So it's that comfort, that relationship that we have with ourselves and our bodies, that really helps to open up the relationship with our partners.

Dr. Bawa: And there are many men who don't feel comfortable in their bodies either. We often think it's just a female issue, but they're not always on their A-game either.

Rachel Smith: Exactly. And I think it is less common for men to talk about, right? It is kind of taboo for men to talk about themselves in that way and those types of insecurities.

Dr. Bawa: Well, I think I am a bit of an anomaly in that sense because of what I do. Men come to me and are very honest about it.

Rachel Smith: That's beautiful.

Dr. Bawa: And also I think I've made it okay for men to talk honestly about it because I've said before on this podcast that if it's okay for a woman to go get breast implants, and that's considered empowering for her, why is penis size subject to ridicule for men? It's not fair.

Rachel Smith: Absolutely. And it's so interesting because, as long as you're feeling comfortable in your own body and confident, whatever it is that helps you to feel confident, it's that confidence that people are often attracted to and that our partners are drawn into. So whatever it is that can help you to feel confident is a beautiful thing, as long as we understand that that's maybe not necessary in terms of the full range of pleasure that's available. Penis size, especially for women - we experience pleasure in all different types of ways. So penis size is more relevant for male pleasure and maybe the reproductive function, but less for women's pleasure.

[08:39] Pleasure, Size, and Masculine/Feminine Energy

Dr. Bawa: Well, yes, because women orgasm more externally than they do internally anyway.

Rachel Smith: Yes.

Dr. Bawa: But the thing is that a micropenis isn't going to do anything for her. So I guess you have to have something to start with for it to work.

Rachel Smith: Yes.

Dr. Bawa: Now, so much of sexuality also depends upon masculine and feminine energy. Tell me more about that.

Rachel Smith: Okay. So first we have to understand that masculine and feminine energy has nothing to do with gender. We all have both masculine and feminine energy that lives within us. When we talk about masculine energy, we're often talking about this sense of having to do things, right? It's very goal-oriented, very streamlined and structured, like we have to do this and that, and then we get to this. It's this kind of energy that we have to drive and push and get things done.

Rachel Smith: Feminine energy is more about the being. It's about being in our bodies. It's about cultivating that creativity and that space for rest and relaxation so we can just enjoy a present moment. Some people are more dominant in one side than the other. Again, it has nothing to do with gender. And so if we're not able to understand that, especially sexually, opposites attract, right? So if we have two people that are very heavy in their masculine energies, then that might not allow for that sexual connection to really happen. We have to learn this dance of being able to fluctuate between both sides. There are times to get things done, and there are times that we can just rest and relax and be, which helps to cultivate that openness.

[10:24] BDSM, Pain, and Sensory Play

Dr. Bawa: Now you talked about dominance and things like that, so I go thinking about Fifty Shades of Grey. Doesn't everybody think about that when they think about dominant men?

Rachel Smith: Yeah.

Dr. Bawa: Now there was a lot of sensuality within that.

Rachel Smith: Absolutely.

Dr. Bawa: There was BDSM, as they call it, and all of that. What are your thoughts about pain as a form of sensuality? How often do people seem to like that?

Rachel Smith: There's a fine line between pleasure and pain, right? We all have different preferences. And if we're interested in pain, as long as it's not unwanted pain, there are only two things sexually that are not normal or acceptable, and that's non-consensual sex and unwanted sexual pain. But if it's something that we're using to heighten our senses, it can be highly sensual and highly erotic. And so that's where that dance between sensuality and sexuality comes in. Sensuality is really tapping into the sensations, the different feelings that we're experiencing, while sexuality is really shifting into that erotic energy.

Dr. Bawa: I don't understand ice cubes. That just sounds uncomfortable.

Rachel Smith: Temperature play - it can be so much fun.

Dr. Bawa: Different strokes for different folks.

Rachel Smith: Absolutely. And so we have the ice, and then we also have the candle. We can experience both ends.

Dr. Bawa: Yeah, there's warm erotic massage, there's ice, there's all kinds of stuff. And of course, edible things. I mean, people love edible lube and flavored lube and this and that.

Rachel Smith: And whipped cream and chocolate syrup and all of those things can be so much fun and add variety because our sexual self thrives off curiosity, mystery, adventure, the pushing of boundaries. It's the novelty that keeps the spark alive.

Dr. Bawa: Of course, I'm the medical doctor here, so I'm going to warn my viewers to make sure they wipe up well.

Rachel Smith: Yes.

Dr. Bawa: Lick that puppy clean. Because otherwise you could get yeast infections.

Rachel Smith: Exactly. Have some feminine wipes beside the bed.

Dr. Bawa: Yeah. I mean, it's all fine and dandy to do it, but let's not have too much excitement afterwards with doctors' visits.

Rachel Smith: Right. Exactly. The physical wellness is so important.

[12:44] Combining Sensuality and Sexuality: 5-4-3-2-1

Dr. Bawa: How can a couple combine sensuality and sexuality?

Rachel Smith: Okay, so couples can - when we're talking about the buildup, oftentimes the buildup into a sexual experience is so important because really it takes women about 20 to 30 minutes to become fully aroused before her body is actually ready to receive intercourse or penetration. So in that time, that's when we can really allow ourselves to expand on the sensual experience. And when I say sensual experience, I mean tapping into our senses. One way that I help my clients tap into their senses is through a technique called 5-4-3-2-1.

Rachel Smith: And so what we're going to do is go through each of our senses. I like to start with sight. We can look around: what are five things that we can see right now? Whether that's the aesthetics of our room or what our partner's body looks like, maybe the sweat that's coming off their body, their eyes, or specific parts of their body that we really love and are attracted to, we really focus in on those things.

Rachel Smith: Then we switch to another sense. Maybe that is the sense of touch. What are four things that I can feel in this moment right now? Is it the softness of my sheets? Is it the silkiness of my partner's back? Is it rubbing the hair on their head? Then we go into a third sense. Maybe that's the sense of smell. Maybe that is the candle that we have lit, or the perfume or cologne that our partner is wearing, or maybe it's just the musk that's coming off their body.

Rachel Smith: Then maybe the next is the sense of taste. What are two things that we can taste in this moment? Maybe we are bringing in the edible lube, or just the saltiness of our partner's body. And then the last thing might be the sense of hearing. What's one thing that we can hear right now? Is that the breathing of our partner? Is it the music that we have on in the background? You don't have to worry about which sense comes next. It's just keeping in mind that we have five senses and we can work our way through them so that we can really learn how to be present in the moment. And when we're really taking in our partners, it helps the arousal build up to where we're open to receive that sexual energy.

[15:27] Sex Is More Than Penetration

Dr. Bawa: Those are great tips. Great tips. Now, you mentioned how women take longer to get going.

Rachel Smith: Typically, yes.

Dr. Bawa: And you're absolutely right. And the problem comes where men, on average, are lasting 5.4 minutes. There's a problem. Houston, we have a problem.

Rachel Smith: Right.

Dr. Bawa: So I always tell couples that they've got to consider sex more than just the act of penetration. They think sex is penetration alone. They don't realize that sex is all of it.

Rachel Smith: Absolutely.

Dr. Bawa: And intercourse is that penetration. So there needs to be a little bit of education from people like us to explain to people that yes, penetration may have only lasted five minutes or less, but sex lasted longer.

Rachel Smith: Absolutely. And again, in our society, I think we equate the word intimacy with sex. When we hear the word intimacy, we equate that to sex. When we hear the word sex, we equate that to intercourse. When we hear the word intercourse, we think that it has to end in an orgasm. But when we think about this very linear way of thinking about sex and intimacy in general, it's very rigid. It's only giving us one way to be intimate. It actually kind of pigeonholes us.

Rachel Smith: And when we're able to really zoom out and recognize that sex is way more than intercourse and intimacy is way more than sex, there are so many ways that we can experience a deep, intimate connection with our partners that do not include sex. Then it really gives us infinite possibilities to connect with our partners.

[17:10] The Five Gears of Touch

Dr. Bawa: Yes, and we lead such busy lives that sometimes you don't have time for that seven-course meal.

Rachel Smith: Right.

Dr. Bawa: But maybe an appetizer would be good.

Rachel Smith: Sure. Absolutely. There's an incredible researcher, Dr. Barry McCarthy, and he talks about these different gears of touch. Basically, it's this revving-up process. We can start with affectionate touch, and that's kind of the anchor. Those are the hand-holdings or the hugs or the cuddling, or the things that we can do in public that we won't get in trouble for. Then we rev into sensual touch, and that's like the full-body massages. It can be clothed or unclothed in the way that we're connecting with our partners. Then we rev into playful touch, and playful touch is maybe the tap on the bum, or maybe some motorboating, or coming out of the shower and there are some helicopter dances.

Dr. Bawa: What is that? What did I miss here? Helicopter? Helicopter dances? What is that?

Rachel Smith: Yes. So let's say your male partner is coming out of the shower and he opens up the towel and does a little spinny thing, you know? You look like a helicopter.

Dr. Bawa: Oh. So I guess you learn something new every day.

Rachel Smith: Yes, for sure. It's playful, right? It's this way of engaging in the overall sexual energy that doesn't necessarily have to do with a specific act. And so after that playful touch, we rev into erotic touch, and that's where we can get into what people typically think of as foreplay, where that's maybe oral sex or really getting handsy. And then intercourse or penetration is typically the last gear. Most couples go straight from one to five, and they forget that there's this beautiful area in between that we can play with.

[19:04] Why Afterplay Matters

Dr. Bawa: And afterwards - yes, afterplay is highly underrated.

Rachel Smith: Absolutely. And it's not something that people talk about because afterplay can really be that beautiful gateway into the next sexual experience. So that beautiful circular feedback that we can get throughout the day - it revs up, and then we start the cycle all over again.

Dr. Bawa: Afterplay is so sensual that it is, I think, imperative not just to the next sexual encounter, but also to that connection as a couple.

Rachel Smith: Absolutely. It solidifies the bond. It helps us to feel that we're genuinely connected rather than we're just here to get this thing done.

Dr. Bawa: Yeah, that affection, that desire to be with somebody beyond just the penetration.

Rachel Smith: Absolutely. And afterplay and aftercare go hand in hand. So when you're talking about really cleaning up well, we can make that a fun and maybe playful interaction as well.

[19:55] Rachel Smith: Infinite Intimacy Therapy

Dr. Bawa: Sounds like a lot of fun. So, how can people reach you?

Rachel Smith: My website is infiniteintimacytherapy.com, and that's where you can learn about my couples retreats and the different programs that I have for couples. I've created one-, two-, and three-day programs where we really focus on the foundation on that first day, and then the expansion on the next day, and then we start to elevate on the third day. So I take them through this journey of the different stages and ways that we can connect with our partners sensually and sexually.

Rachel Smith: And my social media platforms, Infinite Intimacy Therapy, are where you can get all of those updates and all the education that I try to share so we can debunk the myths and really help people enhance their sexual and intimate experiences.

[21:03] Closing Conversation

Dr. Bawa: Well, I'm sure our viewers are going to love your content. Thank you so much for coming on the Dr. Sex Fairy Podcast, for enlightening our viewers and our listeners. This is good information that we can all use.

Rachel Smith: Thank you. It's been such a pleasure to be here.

Dr. Bawa: Looking forward to having you back.

Dr. Bawa: Recorded Outro

Dr. Bawa: Our exploration of sensuality versus sexuality with Rachel Smith has been both enlightening and thought-provoking. Remember, understanding these dimensions of human connection can pave the way for healthier relationships and a deeper appreciation of our own desires. Sensuality invites us to savor life's pleasures through our senses, while sexuality allows us to embrace our intimate and physical selves. By balancing and integrating the two, we can create a richer, more fulfilling experience of connection and intimacy in our relationships and our lives.

Dr. Bawa: Thank you for spending time with me on this episode of Dr. Sex Fairy. If you are watching this on YouTube, don't forget to leave questions and comments. I will answer them personally. Make sure you like this video and subscribe to my channel, Dr. Sex Fairy, so that you never miss a video. If you are listening on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or elsewhere, do subscribe to the Dr. Sex Fairy Podcast. We have more great content and guests to come. Check out my superhit TikTok account, Dr. Sex Fairy, and my Instagram, The Real Dr. Sex Fairy.

Dr. Bawa: I hope this episode inspired you to embrace both your sensual and sexual side, because in doing so, you open the door to true self-discovery and deeper connections. Until next time.