Ep. 116: 5 Ways to Make Sex Fun

[00:10] Introduction: 5 Ways to Make Sex Fun

Ep. 116: 5 Ways to Make Sex Fun

Host: Dr. Kanwal Bawa | Guest: Alla Esther Levy, EIS, MSH | Runtime: 23:31 | Published: February 20, 2024

Dr. Bawa: Welcome to Dr. Sex Fairy, America's top-rated sexuality podcast. I am Dr. Kanwal Bawa, America's favorite sex doctor, and I am here to transform your life. Whether you are looking to reignite passion or simply add some excitement to your love life, you are in for a treat. I am joined by Alla Esther Levy, EIS, MSH, a Certified Emotional Intelligence Specialist and Minister of Spiritual Healing. Join us as we explore five ways to make sex fun. From adventurous new techniques to playful games, we've got you covered. So grab a cozy spot and get ready to take your intimate experiences to the next level. Let's dive in. Welcome, Esther. It's lovely to have you on the podcast.

Esther: Thank you so much. Such a pleasure to be here.

Dr. Bawa: We've known each other for a while.

Esther: Yes, we have.

Dr. Bawa: On a more personal level. And so it's so nice to have you come on my podcast.

Esther: Yes, super excited.

Dr. Bawa: And so many wonderful things to discuss. Our conversations off the air are about so many things: friendship, love, sex. And that's why today's topic is how to make sex fun, because people forget to make it fun. They make it so stressful.

Esther: Yeah.

[01:27] Sex Begins Outside the Bedroom

Esther: Absolutely. You know, it's very important to remember, as someone once said to Tom and me when we were out and about, that sex and making love is one thing. The rest is foreplay.

Dr. Bawa: I love that. Sex really does begin outside the bedroom. And I talk about it all the time on this podcast. I tell my patients and I tell my viewers that it's not just about playing with each other's genitals. I mean, that's important. It's fun. But true passion, true pleasure is going to come from connecting up here.

Esther: Yes, absolutely. And that's why one of the first parts of connecting and really having a beautiful sexual life and intimacy life is starting with friendship, as we discussed earlier. Because if you're not friends first, how do you expect to really have those connections? You develop those connections through the friendship, through the bond, through the time together. And that's really where it starts and how it grows.

Dr. Bawa: I agree. And that's why I'm not judging people who have one-night stands. I just don't personally understand them. Because to me, I don't see how people can really have that pleasure, that ecstasy, if I may call it that, if there isn't the friendship.

[02:48] Friendship, Spirituality, and Vulnerability

Esther: Exactly. You know, as we will continue, one of the things I talk about is spirituality. When you really are connected to a common purpose, when you find that thread of commonality and you're moving toward common interests, you have a purpose together, common visions, and you can actually move toward something that has some meaning in life, which creates those bonds, which creates those really deep connections. And through that process is how you can really create vulnerability with each other, when you really feel safe with each other. And until you can have that, until you develop that, it really just feels transactional.

Dr. Bawa: Yes, I agree 100%. And, you know, Brené Brown speaks so well about vulnerability. And I feel that when it comes to a truly meaningful relationship, if you can't let go, how do you really let go in bed? That connection, that spiritual connection, like you said, that friendship, those were step one and step two of making sex more fun, because they are that elementary. How else do you get there?

[04:11] Step 3: Affection and Playfulness

Esther: So, you know, once you have those two and you continue to develop those, and those definitely will show up, the more you actually overcome difficulties together, the more your egos are rubbing up against each other, and you actually have to overcome certain behavioral patterns and emotional traumas and blockages together. And hopefully you are uncovering a lot more intimacy and vulnerability through those processes. And as you do that, you move into those realms, and then you're able to really play and have fun and laughter and games and all kinds of things that will come and follow after that.

Esther: And affection, which is the third step, right? Being able to really just touch on each other and rub on each other, no matter where you are. Like Tom and I work together. So once in a while we're running around in the clinic, we're working and doing our thing, but once in a while he'll grab my butt. Or, you know, I'll sneak in a titty twister or something like that, right? But we have a good time. And, you know, we really hug on each other and we are very affectionate, even in front of our patients, to show them that these are normal feelings, these are normal behaviors when you truly love each other and have a close friendship and intimacy.

[05:35] Why Non-Sexual Affection Matters

Dr. Bawa: Affection is critical, I believe, because too often women complain that their men only seem to notice their bodies when they're going for the breast or going for the vagina or the labia. And I often hear them complain about how they feel so objectified. And when there's affection, especially physical affection, in a non-sexual context, or not necessarily non-sexual, but maybe not directly sexual, I think it really helps us open up to that sexual contact later.

Esther: Yeah, absolutely. You know, it's really about seeing your partner as so much more than just a physical body. And it all, again, goes back to that same connection because you really see them as so much more. You see them as this beautiful soul in front of you who is overcoming their own... You know, I'm premenopausal right now, so my body is changing. And it's so beautiful when your partner can still love on you and appreciate you and still see you beyond just the physical. And when you have those connections that we discussed, they see that. They should see that because, again, you're more than just a physical body. And that's where the real bonds happen. When you can see each other beyond the wrinkles, beyond the physicality, because we're not going to be beautiful forever, you know. So that's really the most important thing.

[07:11] Step 4: Don't Be a Prude

Dr. Bawa: So the fourth step you had mentioned to me was, don't be a prude. Let's talk about that one.

Esther: So this one is my favorite because this one is really about be open. You know, be open to all kinds of things. Like I mentioned, because I'm premenopausal, there are certain parts right now that are not always functional the way that I would like them to be. And, you know, not being a prude means you do whatever it needs to do to pleasure your partner. So if you're going to be uptight about certain things and not doing this or that, it's going to be very difficult to have that openness with your partner and to really enjoy that part of your life together.

Esther: So if your partner wants this or that or whatever it is, have fun, enjoy, be willing to learn. Don't be afraid to look at nudity pictures together or by yourself or whatever it is to learn new things. Really be open and just have fun with it. Have fun with it. And because you're friends and because you have that spiritual connection with each other, nothing should be off the table. You should be completely open and comfortable to have these experiences with each other.

Dr. Bawa: You have to be able to give and receive.

Esther: Absolutely. Yeah. One of the things that we talked about earlier, and I'm not ashamed to say this, is that after my second divorce, I realized that I did have some blockages with being open. I was a little bit of a prude. And so what I had to do is I actually had to learn my body. I had to learn how to be open and comfortable. And so I practiced all kinds of things with myself first so that I could open up those blockages and remove anything that could cause me from not finding my partner and from making him feel free and myself feel free, because it really is an inside job. So, yeah, very important.

Dr. Bawa: I like that. Inside job.

Esther: It's an inside job.

[09:16] Step 5: Communication

Dr. Bawa: That's true. And that leads us perfectly into number five: communication. Because all of what we have discussed hinges upon that.

Esther: 100%. 100%. You know, communication is one of those things that, here you are in this experience, and if you can't communicate with the person that you're having this intimacy with, then what do you got? You got nothing. And it's vital, especially with women, like I said, in my age that are dealing with premenopausal issues, or if you're dealing with some sort of medical issue. It's vital to talk to your partner and be open and just don't be afraid to share with each other so that each one of you can understand what are your needs, so that you can bring pleasure to each other and still be honoring one another's bodies and concerns and all of that. So another very important component here.

[10:20] Aging, Mental Health, and Reading Your Partner

Dr. Bawa: Yes, and also as we age, as we have babies, as we go through menopause, manopause, because men are going through it too. Nobody talks about it, but it's very much their reality. You know, they talk about men going and buying the red sports car, having that midlife crisis. How is that any different than a woman going through her emotions with menopause?

Dr. Bawa: Also consider postpartum depression. A woman is going through major changes and she may not feel like herself. So we can't expect our partners to read our minds, right? Because many of us are very high-functioning depressed people. Nobody would know it. Look at the suicides you see in the media. You are shocked that some celebrities, like Robin Williams, for instance, look so happy. He made everybody laugh. What a light in the world he was, and then he hung himself. So it's important to communicate not just for sexual pleasure, but also for mental health.

Esther: 100%. Absolutely. It's vital. And, you know, that's why I say it's an inside job because it's very important to really understand yourself. And that's where emotional intelligence and all these things come into play. And, as I like to call it, recognizing and managing your own crazy. It's vital to understand what's really going on inside you so that you can communicate that to your partner, so that you guys can be of support to each other, and so that you can continue to experience all facets of life.

[11:59] Self-Awareness and Getting Help

Dr. Bawa: There has to be self-awareness. We've got to understand we are not perfect. We are quick to judge our partner, but not so much ourselves. We have to look in the mirror and be honest about our own shortcomings and get help where help is available. Even if it's just something as simple as, 'Honey, I'm not having a good day. I'm not at 100%. I need you to go pick up the kids and pick up takeout on your way home.' Don't do it today. And that's okay. It will make for better sex later.

Dr. Bawa: You were talking about changes that come from being premenopausal. Women need to realize, and men too, because when you know better, you do better. And if you get the information off this podcast, you can help your partner. There is so much out there now so that women don't have to suffer through so many of these issues that come with being premenopausal, perimenopausal, menopausal, postmenopausal: the dried-up tissue, the tearing with sex, the lack of orgasms, or maybe orgasms not being as great as they were, not as intense. So much of that can now be fixed.

Dr. Bawa: Incontinence. So many women argue with me that they don't have it. And when I say, 'Don't you cough or sneeze and dribble a little?' 'Yeah, I do, but that's not incontinence.' Yes, it is. And now we can fix it. So why not? I'm doing it all the time. I'm doing it non-surgically, non-invasively, and transforming lives. So that's something you should also communicate to your doctor.

Esther: Yes. Yes, it's very important. It's true. There's so many different ways of doing that, whether you're trying to do something at home or you're coming to someone like yourself. There's so many ways to do it. And whatever it takes to make our lives a little bit easier, you go out there and you do what you have to do to improve your life. You don't have to suffer. I think a lot of people think that, 'No, no, it's okay. I'll just live with this. I'll just live with this.' But you don't have to. You don't have to.

[14:22] Keeping Pleasure Alive as You Age

Dr. Bawa: We don't have to. And I think we owe it to ourselves to live better lives. We need to stop having this concept that as you get older, sex goes away. Pleasure goes away. None of that has to go away. It may evolve, but it can still be very much part of your existence. And it should be.

Esther: Absolutely. 100%.

Dr. Bawa: When we were talking earlier off camera, you mentioned how we need to keep that spark alive when we see our partner naked, for instance, or we are making a mad dash from the bathroom into the bedroom. Tell us more about that.

Esther: So I think that comes from a playful heart, to be honest with you. And as I always mention, everything starts from in here, right? From ourselves. And when you're a playful person and you understand that, going back to not being a prude, right, it's just playing with life, which translates into playing with each other.

Esther: And so, you know, there's plenty of times where my partner will come out and he'll just kind of wiggle in front of me or something like that. And I'll be honest, we're so in love with each other and we've only been together for five years, but it's not only — it's already — it's a long time. It's a substantial amount of time. And so I still blush. I still blush when he does that because it's just this playfulness that happens.

Esther: And then when I come out, and I'm almost 50 — I'll be 50 this year, and it's a big year — he'll say to me, 'Wow, you're so beautiful. Look at how you're handling the aging process.' And so it's really that part of just still enjoying each other. And when you're enjoying yourself, right, when you're about yourself, when you're self-aware, self-managed, and you're really working on yourself, you can then translate that energy into now being that ultimate for somebody else. And so, you know, I know we don't want to get too deep about self-help and whatnot, but the truth is that it all starts from self.

Dr. Bawa: It does.

[16:40] Appreciation, Small Gestures, and Generosity of Spirit

Dr. Bawa: And I love what Tom said to you. He appreciated you and he told you that. Because so often we may love our partner, but we don't tell them it often, and we need to hear it. We need to see it. And when I say see it, it doesn't mean gifts. No, gifts are nice. It's about having that generosity of spirit toward your partner. Whether it is maybe making them their coffee if they're running late, maybe leaving them a little note somewhere for them to find. It's not the big things. It's the small things that really bring us closer to our partner.

Esther: Yes, 100%. Absolutely. It's so important. It's the little things that you really do to serve each other. You know, if you can wake up in the morning and have the consciousness of service, and that service is not just for the outward, not just for the world around you, like the neighbors or your business or your family, your mom, your dad, whatever, but it's for your partner. It's for that immediate person that is in your space 24/7, that you really have to, if you're in the space of constantly serving them, but not from a selfish perspective, but from a real true giving place, you will just automatically know to help them shine. You know, it's all about helping your partner shine.

[18:12] Give Without Keeping Score

Dr. Bawa: That is so well said. Because it's too much of a tit-for-tat mentality. 'I gave, but he didn't give. I call him, but he didn't text me.' It's too much of that competition. And I think you have to give to receive. Because when you give selflessly, you inspire that, more often than not, back toward yourself.

Esther: 100%. Exactly. Exactly. It's very true what you're saying. There's so much of that, you know, people always calculating about what I gave, what I didn't give, why didn't she give this to me, or why didn't he do that? There's so much of that in our world today. And I think that people are really buying into it, whether it's being programmed for us to follow that, or we're coming up with it on our own, I don't know. But we definitely have to just move out of that and move more into a space of selfless giving and just really share with our partner and just really wanting them to succeed. Because the more they're happy, the more they have what they need, the more our lives are comfortable.

[19:21] What Dr. Bawa Learned From Brandi Love and Her Husband

Dr. Bawa: You know, a couple I met not that long ago that really helped me widen my own horizons was actually adult star Brandi Love and her husband. I had dinner with them the night before I interviewed them on this podcast. And, you know, it's very easy for people to judge them because of what they do for a living. But do you know that their relationship, on so many levels, was more inspiring to me than many traditional couples? They have found a space where they are very caring toward each other, very respectful of each other's needs, very kind toward each other. And I learned so much from just watching them interact. And so many people might think I've lost my mind. Like, 'What are you learning from a porn star?' Enough.

[20:12] The Temester System

Esther: So I just want to tell you a quick story. This is a part that's going to be in my upcoming book that's hopefully going to be released this year. And something that Tom and I created, it's called the Temester System, and it's our form of siesta. You know how in different countries there's different siestas? And so this is what we came up with, and I hope that it's very useful for your audience. So basically, we were talking about if you're hungry or horny, what do you do? And so this is what we came up with. So you eat, you take a nap, you have sex, you rest, you have a snack, and you go back to work.

Dr. Bawa: Everything is covered.

Esther: Exactly.

Dr. Bawa: So, what is your book called?

Esther: So right now there's a working title, so I'm not going to give it away at the moment because I'm shifting the title a little bit, but it is about how to manage the crazy and how to use emotional intelligence to really create your best life.

[21:19] How to Find Esther

Dr. Bawa: Well, you'll have to come back when the book is out.

Esther: Absolutely.

Dr. Bawa: So, how can people connect with you and find you and look out for your book?

Esther: So there's two ways. The first one is balancecenters.com. This is our clinic where we help people with vertigo, balance, and dizziness issues. And the second way is eieqinstitute.com. And that is all about the emotional health, and that is where the book information will be listed. And both sites are interconnected, so you can't miss me no matter how you find me.

Dr. Bawa: I love it. Thank you so much for coming on the podcast today.

Esther: Thank you for having me. It was awesome.

[21:53] Recorded Outro

Dr. Bawa: Thank you for tuning in to today's episode of Dr. Sex Fairy. I hope you found our discussion on five ways to make sex fun both insightful and inspiring. Remember, intimacy is not just about physical connection; it is about building strong emotional bonds as well. By incorporating elements of friendship, spirituality, affection, openness, and effective communication into your intimate encounters, you can truly enhance your experiences and make them more fun.

Dr. Bawa: Don't be afraid to embrace your desires and let go of inhibitions. Be playful, be adventurous, and most importantly, be true to your partner and yourself. Join me next time for more tips and insights on navigating the complexities of relationships and intimacy.

Dr. Bawa: Don't forget to subscribe to the Dr. Sex Fairy Podcast on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or another podcast app. If you are watching this episode on YouTube, do subscribe to the Dr. Sex Fairy channel. If you have questions, comment on the YouTube video or email me at askme@drsexfairy.com. Stay curious, stay open, and keep the flame of passion burning bright. Until next time.