Ep. 27 - Sex & The Single Mom

[00:12] Introduction: Single Motherhood and Starting Over

Host: Dr. Kanwal Bawa | Guest: Eva | Runtime: 45:16 | Published: June 13, 2022

Dr. Bawa: Welcome back to the Dr. Sex Fairy Podcast. I am Dr. Kanwal Bawa and I am here to transform your life. You know a few things about me coming in. You know that I'm a doctor, a minority woman, and an immigrant. You know that I'm not just a cancer survivor, but a cancer warrior. I am the current Ms. Florida. And I started this podcast just a few months ago, with it now already being in the top 10% globally. I have a wildly popular TikTok account called, of course, Dr. Sex Fairy. You know all this. What you don't know is that the most important fact about my life is that I'm a mother. My two sons are the love of my life. They are my biggest achievement. I never saw myself raising them as a single parent, but here I am anyway. And I'm not alone.

Dr. Bawa: Of around 22 million children currently living with a single parent, 19 million live with their mothers. Approximately 50% of those women were never married, and of the other half, 17% are separated, 4% are widowed, and 29% are divorced. Single mothers face a unique set of problems. I have invited to the studio a fellow single mother today. Eva is my friend. We are both educated and successful women who are divorced from the fathers of their children. We have both been married once, and we both gave birth to a set of twins. I have twin boys, and Eva has twin girls. Eva is truly one of my best friends, and our children adore each other. We have had many great discussions, some watching our kids play, and some over great glasses of wine. So why not have another discussion on this podcast? Welcome to the studio, Eva. I am delighted that you're here today.

Eva: Oh, thanks, Kanwal. Thanks for having me. It's always a pleasure talking to you.

Dr. Bawa: So let's get into it. Dating after a long marriage.

[02:06] Dating After a Long Marriage

Eva: It sucks, right? It is a rude awakening, I have to say. Being married for a long time, you get very used to things being a certain way and the world being a certain way. And when you re-emerge after several decades in one world of marriage, turns out online dating and just the culture of dating has changed drastically since the last we knew it.

Dr. Bawa: Online dating wasn't even really a thing back then.

Eva: Not even not even close.

Dr. Bawa: I was married for 19 years, but together for 20. And you were married how long?

Eva: I was with my ex-husband for a total of almost 15 years. So we dated for a few years, then did the right prerequisite thing where you date and you're young and you don't rush into anything. And I guess that's proof that even if you do everything by the right standards, it doesn't always necessarily guarantee anything.

Dr. Bawa: No, not necessarily. We were both married once. We both have children with just one man. And we were both in long-term faithful marriages with two successful careers, and it still all went to hell.

Eva: Yeah, you know, and I look back and I'm grateful that my ex-husband is a very good man. I think we're both lucky that they are excellent fathers to our children.

Dr. Bawa: Well, speak for yourself, sister.

Eva: Well, we won't go there. Mine is. I'm lucky. Mine is—he's a good guy and he's a great dad. He's very stable, and we just didn't get along. We grew apart. I think that happens. You know, you're one person in your 20s, and then you kind of evolve into being this very more complex, different woman as you grow. And you either grow together and you scale that relationship and the ability to communicate, or you don't. And there's no anger or drama. It's just a fact. You know, I grew apart from my ex-husband, and here I am sort of trying to find someone that I can communicate with and have this new version of myself be appreciated.

[04:10] Becoming Yourself Again in Your 40s

Dr. Bawa: You know, I'm in my forties now as are you, and I firmly believe that this is going to be the most transformative decade of my life.

Eva: Bar none. Could not agree more. I've seen a version of myself in my 40s. I think when I turned 40, it was like a switch was flipped. And I love this version of me. I'm sad that this version didn't exist 20 years ago. And the people who knew the version of me even 10 years ago—yeah, I am a very different person now.

Dr. Bawa: But here's a question: Are you sure this version didn't exist, or do you think you just didn't let her out?

Eva: Maybe I didn't tap into her.

Dr. Bawa: I don't think you tapped into her because I think we were always, you know, effing awesome. I just think that we didn't let that person out. We suppressed that part of ourselves because sometimes in the wrong relationship—and this is not meant to diss anybody we were with—but in the wrong relationship, you suppress those parts of yourself that sometimes make you pretty damn fabulous.

Eva: Right. You don't know how to tap into them, I think.

Dr. Bawa: You don't know, and sometimes you know, but it's one of those things where, at least in my case, it was easier to keep the peace and not do certain things and suppress some of my dreams. And I'm at that point now where nothing and no one will suppress my dreams. From starting Bawa Medical and turning it into what it is, and then the podcast, and, you know, I mean, for the love of God, TikTok. Who would have thought? Twenty-five million views in two months.

Eva: Well, you do have a popular subject matter.

Dr. Bawa: I do have a popular subject matter, and I try to make it very—you know, I don't cheapen it.

Eva: No.

Dr. Bawa: And I keep it very scientific and I make it funny. So I think it's resonating with people.

Eva: You've you've come up with a way to make kind of an uncomfortable subject matter for some people a little bit more socially friendly and digestible. I think that they can consume what you're putting on TikTok and it's clever and it's cute, but it's also it's real, and people relate to the topic.

[06:12] Dating Apps vs. In-Person Chemistry

Dr. Bawa: Yeah, and you know, I'm not twerking on screen, right, and gyrating. I'm in a set of blue scrubs and a white coat. Besides, it would not be a very pretty sight to see me gyrating.

Eva: I disagree.

Dr. Bawa: Not one of my many skills. And we digress. So let's talk about dating after a long-term marriage, in the sense that now that we have all these online apps and there's Tinder, which I think is a booty call app, and then there's Bumble, and then there's Match, and then there's MillionaireMatch.

Eva: What's a girl to do? Which one is a girl to download? All of them? I don't know. Isn't it the same people for the most part? It's funny. Across all of the platforms, it's quite incestuous. I've tried and failed for six years since my divorce, trying the different dating apps. And then, you know, I promptly am extremely disappointed, and I delete the dating app, and then I get bored and hopeful, so I reinstall it. It's like this vicious cycle of trying to find a connection. And I think that's what we're all looking for. We talk about, how do you find a connection swiping on your phone? And I have not had success, but what I can say is I've met some great friends, people that are still in my life that I may have connected with on a dating platform three years ago or five years ago. They actually are still my friends, which is interesting. They didn't work out dating-wise, but I've found good people out there.

Dr. Bawa: You know, I agree with you 100%. I have not dated a whole lot on dating apps. I find it very awkward. not that, you know, I feel it's beneath me or anything. It's just I find it hard to connect with people that way. Because so much of dating or relationships is unspoken chemistry. You know, that look across a bar or a look across a party or something like that. I miss that. But the people I have met, the few I have, have been decent people. Some weirdos, but nobody has been, you know, you know, one of the serial killer types. Nobody I've had to block per se. And one of them is a great friend to this day.

Eva: I agree. I have some wonderful friends and I can find the positive in dating apps, but like you said, it for me it's more of that instant connection of making eye contact and feeling somebody's frequency, right? Like their vibration when you're with them. There is something to be said for that in-person connection. I have to say, anyone I've ever really had a quality romantic relationship with, we've had that physical in-person connection first.

[08:55] Physical Attraction and Sexual Chemistry

Dr. Bawa: Yeah. And also, I'm sorry, you can say all that you want about somebody being a great guy and this and that, but you have to have that physical attraction. How do you not have that physical attraction?

Eva: I agree. There's no way on earth that if I don't feel the physical attraction, that I can have a romantic relationship.

Dr. Bawa: Or certainly not any profoundly sexual or sexually fulfilling relationships.

Eva: I mean, as women, we're lucky—we can certainly put on a good show. I'm guilty of theatrics for people who didn't earn them, you know, just to kind of get things over with. And now I'm at a stage in life where I don't want to put on a show to please a partner that's not pleasing me. So I think that we all are guilty of maybe faking things once in a while, or acting like we feel something we don't feel, maybe to get things over with. I don't know about you, but in my early 40s, that's canceled. I'm not doing that anymore.

[10:02] Authenticity, Standards, and Butterflies

Dr. Bawa: You know, I was never one to fake, but I'll tell you that I am at a point in my life where I just don't have the patience to be anybody but my true authentic self because I think I'm fabulous and I know you are fabulous, so why should we compromise? Whatever the hell for.

Eva: No, we're not gonna do it.

Dr. Bawa: And I'm not saying that I'm better than anyone else. I'm just saying that I know what I bring to the table, and darling, why should I walk away with less?

Eva: It's true, though. Maybe it's just that you get to a certain age and you don't have the patience. You know, we are parents. We have to cut to the chase often in life. We're professionals, we're moms. There's not a lot of time for pleasantries and worrying about not offending people. And it's not about that. It's about, like you said, we don't have the time, and we've sort of earned the right to have what we need when we need it in the way we need it.

Dr. Bawa: You know, I'll I'll tell you, I've said this before many times, even on this podcast, and I've said it to friends in person. I don't need a man to buy me a nice house, I don't need a man to take me to Italy or buy me a business class seat, I don't need a man to buy me a nice purse or or a diamond ring. Have that check check. I need a man who is a partner, who gives me butterflies, who makes me want to check and make sure my eyeliner isn't smudged. I want that. I want to feel those butterflies.

Eva: I think feeling beautiful is a quality, that feeling you get from your partner. the need to we are we're great how we are, you know. We don't have to do anything. I we can roll out of bed and we're still beautiful women. not to be you know, certainly not to be cocky, but you do we're attractive women and it's a nice feeling to look in the mirror and say, you know, I want to make my hair a little prettier today, or maybe I should brush it. I'd like to make sure I look pretty in this outfit because it's it feels good to feel like someone else is attracted to you.

Dr. Bawa: And you know, in long-term marriages, it's fine. It's a nice thing to have that comfort level where you roll over and you know you look like hell in the morning, like Albert Einstein, and somebody still loves you. That's okay, that's great. But you want that relationship where you want to dress up for the man or your partner, whoever that is. You want to have that feeling of excitement that you're gonna meet him. And I feel like I'm not ready to compromise. I mean, it's very easy to find a man to date, but unless I feel those butterflies and I find somebody who's at least somewhat of an equal, it's a waste of my time.

Eva: I agree.

[12:46] Body Changes, Confidence, and Cancer

Eva: And you know, it's funny, like we were talking the other day. In your 40s, we've had children, our bodies are different. We look in the mirror and we may see a different version of ourselves than we saw when we were firm and fit and 20. Right? No cellulite, no stretch marks. You know, certainly I had a C-section, so I have a scar from that.

Dr. Bawa: I had a C-section too.

Eva: So, you know, that we look in the mirror and we see something different. And I think sometimes tapping into your beautiful inner sexual self, it becomes a different journey when you see a different version of yourself.

Dr. Bawa: And for me, that changed even more with cancer. Because with steroids, I gained weight. Now, I wasn't a big person to begin with, and I'm not a big person now, but I'm not a size zero. So for me, sometimes, as superficial as that sounds, it can be traumatic when you can't fit into your jeans. But you know what? With time, I will lose my few pounds of weight. I will be happy again when I look at myself in the mirror in that sense. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that I have body dysmorphia or anything, because people looking at me would say, 'What's wrong with her? She looks skinny enough. She looks fine.' But, you know, it's an inner thing for yourself.

Dr. Bawa: When you feel like you don't fit into your clothes, it's like you don't recognize that new person. And for me, it was cancer-related, more so than even child-related, because then I had surgeries and got scars from those and my port scar and everything. Now I wear my scars proudly, but on some level does it bother me? Yeah, it does. When I can't fit into my clothes, it bothers me. Or, you know, I don't know, life changed in that sense. But I'm alive, I'm grateful to be alive, and I'm still living one hell of a life.

Eva: You really are.

Dr. Bawa: So, you know, let's get those flying lessons over with and let's buy that fighter jet.

Eva: I'll be in the jump seat.

Dr. Bawa: There you go.

[14:40] Mommy Makeovers and Doing Things for Yourself

Eva: So I think too, you know, one of the things I wanted to talk about with you is, you've helped me in my journey of coming back to feel like the beautiful new version of myself.

Dr. Bawa: Thank you.

Eva: And you were my friend long before you started helping me with that journey. And I think that there's a lot of judgment for women who have children and get the mommy makeovers, or they go and get facial fillers or they do treatments for themselves so they feel more attractive. And I certainly feel like I've taken a hit because I did do the whole mommy makeover. I needed that for myself. Not all women do need that. But I don't think there should be shame in going and surgically modifying damage or correcting things that, you know, I sustained a lot of. I gained a hundred pounds when I was pregnant with my twins. I had preeclampsia and I had—

Dr. Bawa: So did I.

Dr. Bawa: It's scary how some of our stories are.

Eva: And, you know, those things had an impact on my body that did not go away after having children. And I could have embraced them and loved my body for what it went through. And I know society tries to encourage that—body positivity and your body's a magical, wonderful thing, and it can go through so much. And yes, it can, but sometimes you need a little help, and what the hell is wrong with that? I refuse to be ashamed of it.

Dr. Bawa: No, don't be ashamed of it. I mean, I've had to have plastic surgery because of my cancer. It is what it is. I mean, they hacked a breast off. What was I supposed to do? Live warped for the rest of my life?

Eva: I mean, you certainly could, and that would be somebody's—

Dr. Bawa: And that would be their decision. I didn't want to do that for myself. So I'm not going to be ashamed of the fact that I got an implant because, you know, I didn't want to live my life lopsided. But that was a personal choice I made.

Eva: So we made the decision to—I enhanced mine. I did breast augmentation as well, and that was important to me. I think that there are plenty of people out there who appreciate how symmetrical we are now, I guess we could say.

Dr. Bawa: Well, mine was not just symmetry. I was just like, whoop.

Dr. Bawa: What can I say? I needed to get that damn cancer off.

Eva: Well, so if it's us with our boobs, then I think we should start talking about men and their penises.

[17:00] Does Size Matter?

Dr. Bawa: We should. Does size matter?

Eva: I don't want to be petty.

Dr. Bawa: Give me the honest answer.

Eva: I don't want to be petty and small here, but I think—

Dr. Bawa: Pun unintended. Or intended.

Eva: You know, I have had lovers that are not extremely well endowed and had a beautiful sex life with them. But for me, size does matter a little bit. I feel bad saying that, but it's important.

Dr. Bawa: But why do you feel bad saying that?

Eva: Well, I don't want to—

Dr. Bawa: You feel guilty because then you'll be seen as somebody superficial.

Eva: Right.

Dr. Bawa: But sexual satisfaction is a real part of a relationship, right? If you're not sexually fulfilled, it's probably not going to go very well.

Eva: Right. And I think a big part of sexual fulfillment is psychological, and it's physiological. So the combination—for me, I find it sexually important, and I am attracted to a man's size. I notice it makes a difference for me, the whole experience.

Dr. Bawa: And you're not imagining it, and it's not just a superficial thing for you, it's physiologic. Because when a woman's vaginal canal stretches to fit a larger penis, that's pleasurable to your brain. And it's a real thing. So if you have somebody who's, you know, a regular-sized hot dog versus a big fat kielbasa, it makes a difference.

Eva: Sorry, it does. I can't.

Dr. Bawa: And I mean, my goodness, what do I do with my practice the most? Penis enlargement. There's a need for it. And that's why people are traveling to me from all over the world and certainly all over the United States.

Eva: Well, and I think too, you're dealing with a man's most precious asset. So the way the way that you approach it, non-surgically, I think that that must be attractive to a lot of your clients.

[18:50] Penis Enlargement, ED, and Dr. Bawa’s Journey

Dr. Bawa: It is very attractive to them because a lot of them didn't even know they could do it till I showed up on the scene. And I can honestly tell you that I developed my own technique to do it because initially I used to do my—well, my journey is unique. You know, I started out in the ER and I dealt with sexual dysfunction from a different point of view. I dealt with men who were on medication for ED and those shots called Trimix and everything, and then they'd have complications like the erection that wouldn't go away. And I did a podcast just about this issue recently. So then I would have to cut their penises, drain them of blood. It was traumatic. It was traumatic for them, and my God, it was traumatic for me. Because, you know, he's petrified, I'm petrified. You know, time is penis, I always say, because the longer you go, the less function they're left with. No joke. I mean, some of those men can never get it up again. They become impotent for life. So it's a major problem where they may have taken it recreationally, or maybe they had a little bit of ED and they took it, and now they cannot get hard again. So the longer you go, the worse it gets. So it was a real problem. So I got into it because I said there has to be a better way to do this. This trauma isn't right. There's a better way.

Dr. Bawa: And then there were penis implants, but penis implants come with their own set of complications, and you can even feel it. You know, you can feel the ridges. So that wasn't going to be my way. And so, you know, a lot of patients would ask me—I would fix their ED problem, and now suddenly they're able to have better function, but they're still not a good size. So they would say, 'Can you make me bigger?' And I said, 'No, I don't believe in implants.' And so enough people kept asking me that I said there's got to be a better way. Other people were doing it with fillers, and I thought, well, that's not good enough for me, because it wasn't a very smooth result to look at. And then you were doing nothing to improve the person long term. And that's where this whole thing came in with the PRP to build more collagen and give them girth long term. And I'm not saying it gives them a lot of girth long term, but a little bit over time adds up very quickly. And then the fillers, which was instant gratification, and suddenly I was a rock star.

[20:00] Why Dr. Bawa Chose a Non-Surgical Approach

Eva: Right.

Eva: And I think there's the psychological component, like going back to what you're saying. If there's a trauma associated, you want to help as minimally traumatically as possible.

Dr. Bawa: Yeah, minimally invasive all the time. Yeah.

[21:14] Confidence in Dating and the Bedroom

Eva: And so I think that goes back to the confidence issue with men being confident to date, to be confident in a relationship and to be able to perform. I think, just as a supportive partner, if they feel good that they can please you and they feel like they're satisfying you, then you get a different version of that man, I think, too.

Dr. Bawa: Yeah. And a more confident version. Because then they feel better about their lives in every way. Because I literally tell you, this is not exaggeration. They walk in one way and they walk out another way. They're strutting on their way out. They really do. Big dick energy is a real thing.

Eva: It's a real thing. It is real. And, you know, maybe that's what meeting someone in person—we talk about having that connection. I think I can sense it. I think I know when someone has that confidence and I look for it. And I shouldn't admit that, but I do. I like to know that a man is confident, whether it's in the boardroom, like you said, or in the bedroom.

[22:17] Sex on the First Date

Dr. Bawa: What about sex on a first date?

Eva: Oh, honey. Honey.

Eva: Well, listen, I've done it. I've been there. I'm not gonna lie and say I've never been there, but I think you need—listen, we've all been young. We've jumped into bed with somebody much faster than we should have. And then we kick ourselves the next day and we do the walk of shame. I've certainly done that walk. But now in my 40s, I want to know if there's a sexual connection. So I want to get that out of the way kind of quickly. Like, I want to know if we work together. I want to see the goods before you invest too much in it. Because I've made the mistake of—and it shouldn't be, I shouldn't—

Dr. Bawa: Well, you know, you should just call me. It's HIPAA's a thing, I know. That's the only problem. Darn, because I could tell you about half of Boca. Oh, I know. Oh, yeah, nice. You know, when I go to the mayor's ball, it's like wink wink. Like, I know about you. I know about you.

Eva: But they're all happy, they're appreciative. Hey, you know what? And I I don't have a problem with seeing what somebody is like physically early on. I want to have that connection because it is important.

Dr. Bawa: And it's also how they use it.

Eva: Oh, the skills are—the skill is relevant. And, you know, it's not about the size of the boat, it's the motion of the ocean. No, really. The size matters. I'm sorry, I want to be on a big boat.

Dr. Bawa: You don't want to be on a dinghy?

Eva: No dinghy. No kayak.

Dr. Bawa: Okay, just at least a 60-footer for you.

Eva: I need a yacht.

Dr. Bawa: You need a yacht. Okay. That's fair. What about sex for the sake of sex?

[23:59] Sex for the Sake of Sex vs. Emotional Connection

Eva: So I love recreational sex with the person that I care about. I've tried to do the entertainment-sport sex with friends with benefits. I've tried that, and there's nothing wrong with it, but it gets boring for me quickly. You know, I like having that connection emotionally with someone, even if it's just a really good friend. I've had friends with benefits that are deep friends. They're not just casual acquaintances. I don't like to be frivolous with my intimacy. I'm careful with who I choose to engage sexually with. But I now am looking for—and I'm lucky where I think I've found—a really great connection with a newer person in my life. And that, to me, is—I feel like I see what I've been missing going down the path of sex just for sex. I mean, I don't know. What are your thoughts on that?

Dr. Bawa: I feel that it's hard to get that pleasure if you're not emotionally connected.

Eva: I agree.

Dr. Bawa: I mean you can always have sex, that's not hard. Right. But getting that aha moment I think takes more than just body parts. Yes. Right?

Eva: Right. And, you know, the physical reaction for women—I think that was one of the things you and I were talking about the other day—is that men become aroused and can climax much faster than women. For us, it is a psychological journey, it's an emotional journey for us to be able to allow our bodies to relax and really enjoy and sink into that moment. Yes, we can reactively have sex and our bodies will function. That's what they do. And as women, we can just lay back and be a pillow princess and just not get it. What's the fun in that? There's no fun in that. And that's not my choice. That's not how I want my sex life. I want to be present, I want to enjoy it, I want to be fully immersed in it. You want to be a great partner and also have that reciprocated. Absolutely. And I think that is—we talk about dating and meeting new people, and I've met some amazing people who we connect on every level, but that physical part, that is the ultimate final piece to the puzzle for me.

[25:18] Female Arousal, Presence, and Emotional Connection

[26:30] Success, Dating, and Finding an Equal

Dr. Bawa: I think so. Now, dating for us has been hard. We've talked about this many times before because we make more money than most men. It's true. We've worked for it though. It wasn't handed to us. We worked very hard for it. I'm very proud of the fact that I'm very successful. but that's not necessarily helpful in finding a mate, is it?

Eva: I'd love to say I don't mind dating somebody who's younger or newer in their career, but that doesn't work for me either. I think, for me personally, to respect my partner, they need to be close to the same tier of success as me, or better. That's how I was raised. I grew up in a household where I had very successful male role models. And now, for me to respect the man that I'm dating, he needs to be successful also. And that's difficult to find. I think most of the men that are career-savvy and have kind of built their own empire, they're either taken or they're hiding somewhere. And I've gotten lucky and found—I know, I've encountered one. So now it's just a question of going through all of the initial getting-to-know-each-other parts of a newer relationship.

[28:02] Fast-Tracking Compatibility and Being Real

Dr. Bawa: I found that exhausting though. It's probably why I don't date much at all, because I'm tired of that interview thing, you know. What do you do about this and how do you like that? And I don't know. It's irritating. So you know I've gotta be very attracted to you to want to go through that nonsense.

Eva: And you know what? You can fast-track people too. There's the rule that we followed when we were younger about doing everything on this time clock of, you know, we have to check the proper boxes before we move on to the next stage. I'm done with that. Now I want to—this is rapid failure, right? I want to know really quickly if it's not gonna work. So I'm gonna put you through all your paces really early on. And if it doesn't work, hey, I'm not mad. We can move on, we can still be friends. But I don't want to go through the endless minutiae of getting to know people and, you know, 'How do you feel about—what's your view on this and that?' Let's just get it all out of the way, put it all on the table, and—radical candor. Just tell me. Don't even mince words. Offend me. I want to know about you. Tell me.

Dr. Bawa: Yeah, be real. Be real. I'm so tired of this woke culture with this, you know, this nonsense of you know political correctness. It's gone too far. I'm all for the whole Me Too thing where predators are taken out of everyday society and called out for their actions. I'm 100% for it, but I think it's gone too far.

Eva: I agree. I agree. It's good. The pendulum is swinging very rapidly back in the other direction. And, you know, as a strong female, I'm all for building up other women. We've talked about this in the past, about having your tribe of women and a sisterhood. And I couldn't agree more that this is a time where we have to be strong women and stand up for what we want because there is a transformation happening in the workplace, in the dating world. It's all becoming—I wouldn't call it equal, but I think that it's becoming better. And I don't want to use the word woke because I hate that word. I hate that word.

[30:07] Romance, Gender Roles, and Feeling Protected

Dr. Bawa: But you know what? I'll tell you something. I want a man to treat me like a woman. Right. I want a man's man who holds a door open for me.

Eva: What is wrong with people nowadays? And it's like—or the men who expect you to open the door. It's like, no.

Dr. Bawa: It's offensive. It's like I can pay for dinner, but I want you to take me out to dinner because I find that romantic.

Eva: I love it. I love that. I love traditional romanticism, but with the knowledge that we're an equal contributor to the relationship. I want to feel like my man protects me and takes care of me and has everything handled. I love that.

Dr. Bawa: I find that so sexy. You know, that whole caveman thing. Oh, yeah. I haven't changed that much.

Eva: I mean, you can even drag me across the floor by my hair. I don't mind. But make it fun, make it good. And maybe go to Dr. Sex Fairy a few times before. I was thinking that could be a couples activity. I mean, not like third date, but maybe after a few months of dating, you go see Dr. Sex Fairy. I feel like that's a milestone.

Dr. Bawa: I'll tune you right up.

Eva: Tune you up. Take you to the next level. She'll look under the hood. She'll make sure everything's running smoothly.

[31:15] The Dr. Sex Fairy Dating Service Joke

Dr. Bawa: Oh, I joke about this all the time with my patients. I say, you know, I should start my own dating service. I'll match people who are a perfect fit.

Eva: Pun completely intended. I'm trying not to laugh right now because that is the best thing I've ever heard. See? The more good ideas you come up with, the more good ideas you come up with.

Dr. Bawa: You know who I should partner with is Patti Stanger from Millionaire Matchmaker.

Eva: Oh my God.

Dr. Bawa: She is such a boss, babe. Yeah. She's awesome. Yes. She is who I need to partner with.

Eva: I mean, I think that, you know, when you have, you have a very unique perspective on dating and what people you know, you know firsthand, literally, what makes people tick.

Dr. Bawa: Oh yeah. And you know something? I deal with a lot of couples, male and female, who are coming out of first marriages. And it's sad because nobody wants to be in that situation. Ideally, doesn't everybody want to have that home run with the very first? We do. And then you and I are single. So many others in our boat are single. And they come in to my office because now they're at that point where things aren't working as well, menopause has hit, or hormones are going to hell, or childbirth has killed their vagina, or you know, there's ED setting in. And you know, ED starts very young. So by the time somebody's in their forties and fifties, it's undeniable. So they come to me and once they've had a few treatments, they'll look at life very differently. And they can handle their relationships better. And the women are more confident having a man go down on them. The man is more confident being with a new woman. So these seem like small things, they're big. But they're very big things.

[32:50] Starting Over Sexually After Divorce

Eva: And I was talking to a good friend of mine earlier this week, actually, and he's newly divorced and really hasn't been with anyone since his wife. And they were together, you know, I think 15, 16 years. So it's, how do you transition from—I did my transition to being with new people six years ago, so it's rusty to me. Like, I don't remember, but I think it can be difficult to get used to being with one person for so long. It is difficult. And then how do you—you have this new chance to do everything differently, right? To have sexual experiences that are different, different partners that can teach you things about yourself. I mean, I have learned so much about myself sexually in the past six years. I didn't even know this version of myself existed.

Dr. Bawa: Oh, I love the new me. Oh my god. Or I should say the enhanced me. Enhanced, enhanced, yeah. Because I'm the same person.

Eva: Optimized.

Dr. Bawa: But I'm definitely optimized. Cancer notwithstanding. And I feel that the things I'm doing now and the things I know I'm doing in the near future and the distant future are just immense. Ten years ago, my life was not this. Right. And after my separation, it heralded a big change, you know. It was just where I made a decision that I was now going to live my best life. And when it comes to dating, for me to put down my Netflix remote and walk out of the house, you have to inspire me, honey.

[34:26] The Phone Test for a Real Connection

Eva: Make it count. Make me turn off my TV, make me put my phone down. Like, I want to be in a relationship where I don't even care about my phone. I know that that's like the litmus test of a successful relationship for me, or friendship, is that if I'm with you, I'm not on my phone.

Dr. Bawa: Yeah.

Eva: I want to be, I wanna, I want to look at you, I want to talk to you, I don't even care where my phone is. And if I f lose my phone and forget it, then we are doing a great job.

Dr. Bawa: Can I give you an example? When we go to happy hour at Loch Bar, we put our phones away. We put our phones away. I don't care. And we literally don't know what time it is, and we don't know what the hell anybody's texting us. And when it's just us, it's great. And when we have our kids with us, and George, your dog—who, by the way, I love George. George is my man. I would have brought him, but his snoring is so loud. The mic would not appreciate that. And George is so lazy. Lord Jesus, he is so lazy. But you know what? He's a good-looking guy.

Eva: He is, he's my wingman.

Dr. Bawa: He was with me, and you know what? We don't look at our phones. So in those situations, if you think about it—and you're right, I never thought of it this way—that's a good way to look at it because on so many dates I've been on my phone. Not constantly while talking to the person, but I've looked at my phone—okay, he went to the bathroom, this, that, nonstop. You're looking because you're so bored.

Eva: Right. But I think it's a big context switch when you're having this engaged conversation with somebody face to face, and then, like you said, they go to the bathroom, and then you get into the universe of your phone, and your brain has to switch. There's a lot of switches that take place.

Dr. Bawa: And I'm not obsessed with my phone and social media, believe it or not. I'm not.

Eva: Nope. I have a very small following. It's pretty boring. It's my kids. It's some personal things that I find entertaining, but I don't post for the followers. My social media is on my work for the most part. I mean, I have LinkedIn for work, but the other platforms are just for my enjoyment and entertainment. But I try to stay off of them. I think they kind of suck you down into a black hole, and then before you know it, you've wasted an hour of your day.

[36:26] TikTok, Trust, and the Dr. Sex Fairy Community

Dr. Bawa: And I agree. The only thing is that I am really enjoying my TikTok because, you know, you wouldn't believe it. But the thing is I post a new video every day, whether it's about what causes erectile dysfunction or, you know, what's an O-Shot? Does an O-Shot hurt? Or does a P-Shot hurt? Or, you know, it doesn't matter what. Testosterone, doesn't matter. There's so many topics to talk about. So at least five times a week I'll post that. And then my tribe on TikTok goes crazy. Then they text—I mean, they comment—and then I comment and they comment back, and it's so much fun.

Eva: I love your—I was reading some of your comments today, this morning, and I can't believe how honest some of your followers are. They really trust you with some, I think, what could be perceived as embarrassing personal issues, you know, and they're trusting you with some heavy stuff.

Dr. Bawa: I'm so touched by that, and it's so authentic. You wouldn't believe how many of those people travel to my office. They drive, they fly. I mean, it's impressive. I knew that what I do is different and unique, but to see the change happening in the world around me, that's gratifying on a very deep level. And this is not sales talk. I mean, you and I talk about this even off the mic. It's just incredible to build something like that. And this podcast.

[37:51] The Podcast as a Labor of Love

Eva: Yeah. I mean, a few of my friends, when I told them I was joining you as a guest, they went and checked out your podcast and they were blown away. They couldn't believe it. They said, 'Wow, your friend is amazing. I can't believe some of her subject matter. I can't believe the things she's talking about.' But so many people relate to it. It's really well done.

Dr. Bawa: No, to me, this is something I firmly believe in. This is a labor of love, as is my practice.

Eva: And you put yourself into it.

Dr. Bawa: I do put myself into it.

Eva: And it's funny, you know, like I said, you were my friend before you were any of this—before you helped me with any of my aesthetics or before anything, you were my friend. So I really trust—I go in to see you and I tell you silly ideas that I have of things I want to do to myself, and you tell me when I'm being ridiculous, and then you tell me, 'Yeah, this might work for you. You can try this or consider these.' And you really think about me and what's best for me. And I think you do that with all your patients and certainly anyone, any of my friends and family that I refer to you.

[38:56] Dating Someone Who Has Never Married or Had Kids

Dr. Bawa: Thank you. So now I'm gonna change the topic completely.

Eva: Oh boy.

Dr. Bawa: And talk about something we've discussed before. Can you take a man seriously when he's 40-plus and has never been married and never had any kids?

Eva: Wow.

Dr. Bawa: Because that makes me a little suspicious. I know it probably shouldn't, but it does.

Eva: It does. And, you know, it's so funny. I recently went through an experience for a long period of time with a good friend, and it was a friend with benefits that was in his forties, never married, and never had children. And ultimately it ended up being the reason why we couldn't pursue a relationship. Now, I'm not saying that's the case with everyone, but in my experience, I think a man has to understand the challenges of parenthood. And for me, I like to be in a relationship where the children are our shared priority. You know, your partner has to be your number one priority. You have to invest in that partner and hold each other up. And together you hold up the children. The children are your mutual responsibility. And I think that somebody who's never experienced that and doesn't understand that dynamic, it's very difficult for them to adjust to dating a single mother.

Dr. Bawa: You know, it takes a village, and you hope that the person you date—you're not trying to make him a father, but you do want a father figure for your children.

Eva: A positive male role model.

Dr. Bawa: Yes. I think it's imperative that if you are to be with somebody who's spending time around your kids, that he's patient, that he's kind, and that he has some kind of fatherly attitude towards your kids.

Eva: Right. There has to be a parental instinct present. I certainly look for that in the men that I allow into my life, and I think that's one of the things we've also talked about, is: when do you know?

[40:50] When to Introduce a Partner to Your Children

Dr. Bawa: When do you know that you can introduce your kids to the guy?

Eva: That's a tough one. And I've been very careful of that over the six years of being divorced. I've only introduced my children to two people, and I feel both of those people were a huge mistake. I should not have introduced them at all. One, the timing was appropriate, and the other one, the timing I felt was a little too fast, but it kind of coincidentally came together. And going forward, I am going to be a lot more thoughtful about how, why and when I introduce new people. I don't know, in your history what have you found to be a good introduction point?

Dr. Bawa: You know, I think it's all over the map, to tell you the truth. It depends on the relationship and the individual—the man, right? Because in one case, and again, my kids haven't met very many people. Not that I've dated very many people, so there's that. But, you know, in one case they met the person early on in the game because he was from overseas. You know that story.

Eva: I do.

Dr. Bawa: And so it was hard not to get them involved, but I think it was the best decision because I saw the relationship evolve, and I thought that was a beautiful thing to witness. And ironically, you know, he was younger and had no kids. So there's that. So it can be that way. But it is harder, I think, for me to take a man who's older than me, who's never been married and never had kids, as seriously.

Eva: I agree with that. No, I agree. I think younger, you're right. If they're younger than you and haven't reached those stages in their life, that's one thing. But in our age bracket, if they've never been there, there's usually a reason. There's a reason. Whether it's their personal choice, they made that personal choice for a reason. And I think that goes back to—that may not map correctly to where we are in life. We may not feel the same way and prioritize children and families the same way. And of course it differs for everybody, but that's what I've seen in my experience.

[42:55] Three Elements of a Great Orgasm

Dr. Bawa: Yeah. So tell me, what according to you are the three main elements of a great orgasm?

Eva: Oh man. All right. The first one, I think it goes to the physical connection, the emotional connection across all of the different feelings and emotions, and really seeing that other person. So I'd say physical connection, emotional connection, and they have to have the right body parts. I'm sorry. Like I said, it goes back to—we have to fit together, we have to be Legos, snap together. And then I think the last one is I have to feel like they really want me. I want them to be attracted to me and have that mutual feeling.

Dr. Bawa: No, I agree. I think it's important to have that attraction. It's important to have body parts that work together. Right. They gotta fit. And you have to have a partner that gives a damn.

Eva: Right. Oh yeah, that's huge. They have to be equally invested. I think that's it. I don't want to feel like I'm the one who's doing all the investing. And I want us I want us to have equal skin in the game. Unintended again. Pun intended again.

[44:10] Single Moms, Dating, and Living Your Best Life

Dr. Bawa: Well, it isn't easy being a single mother. It's not easy dating for anybody, period, in today's day and age. COVID hasn't made it easier, Me Too hasn't made it easier. And in some ways, success hasn't made it easier. But here we are anyway, and we are making quite the go of it. And, you know, I think we are living our best life, aren't we?

Eva: We are. We're thriving.

Dr. Bawa: We're thriving. And we have great times ahead and many more podcasts ahead.

Eva: And we have cocktails ahead.

Dr. Bawa: And cocktails ahead. Time for happy hour.

Eva: Time for happy hour.

Dr. Bawa: Until next time.

Dr. Bawa: Recorded Outro

Dr. Bawa: I hope you enjoyed the Dr. Sex Fairy Podcast today. I would love to continue this conversation with you. If you would like to get in touch with me, email me at askme@drsexfairy.com. Don't forget to follow this podcast and leave me a five-star review. And make sure you follow my blockbuster-hit TikTok account, Dr. Sex Fairy.