Ep. 84: The Orgasm Gap Explained

Transcript

Host: Dr. Kanwal Bawa | Guest: Carolina Sanchez | Runtime: 27:39 | Published: March 7, 2023

00: 11 | Why the Orgasm Gap Matters

Dr. Bawa: Welcome to the Dr. Sex Fairyyy podcast. I am Dr. Kanwal Bawa. America's favorite sex doctor, and I am here to transform your life. Thank you for making this podcast a blockbuster hit across all categories, all over the world. If you are returning to this podcast, welcome back. If you don't already follow this podcast, make sure you follow it now. I was invited to appear on the Nightcap, a late night talk show on Fox 26 in Houston, hosted by Carolina Sanchez. Twice. Last year we discussed Big Dick Energy as well as the orgasm gap, and there were such great discussions and so popular that the Nightcap has even aired reruns. We decided to continue those conversations on the Dr. Sex Fairyyy podcast. Carolina came on episode 58, the Secret Behind Big Dick Energy, so make sure you check that out after you finish listening to this.

01: 51 | The Nightcap TV Interview: The Orgasm Gap

Nightcap TV Clip: “Most women, at one time or another, have faked it.” “Well, they haven’t faked it with me.” “How do you know?”

Carolina Sanchez: There’s an orgasm gap, right, Dr. Sex Fairyy?

Dr. Bawa: Right, and I am here to change that.

Carolina Sanchez: So first of all, let’s talk about the problem. How bad is it?

Dr. Bawa: It's terrible. They did a study of 2000 women. And 57% of the women said that they have orgasms. Most of the time, or all the time, but 95% of their men were okay.

Carolina Sanchez: That’s a huge gap—57% to 95%. Oh my gosh. And these are women who aren’t lying, because there may be some who are lying. So it might be closer to 50%, right?

Dr. Bawa: Maybe. I think the numbers are worse than they're admitting to. So if 57% of them are saying that they're orgasming, I think the numbers are lower.

Carolina Sanchez: Why? Why do you think women are not orgasming?

03: 51 | Why Women Fake Orgasms

Dr. Bawa: I think they don’t want to hurt their partner’s feelings. You know, his feeling of being the alpha male, the macho man. And they don’t realize they’re doing not only themselves, but him, a disservice, because who is it really helping? It’s not helping him, because he will keep doing what he thinks is working. And you are upset because you’re just not getting the pleasure you deserve. You’re not getting anything, so nobody wins. You’re inflating an ego that doesn’t need to be, and they’re just going to repeat the same pattern. And I do believe that most men want to please that woman.

Carolina Sanchez: Oh, really? So we shouldn’t be faking it ever.

Dr. Bawa: No, because if you fake it, you’ll never make it.

Carolina Sanchez: I love that. Don’t fake it because you won’t make it. Unless you’re trying to get ahead in your career—fake it till you make it. That’s different.

Dr. Bawa: That’s totally different.

Carolina Sanchez: Okay, so how many women are faking it? The numbers are high?

Dr. Bawa: The numbers are high. I don't know which study to trust, but 80, 90%. Mm, maybe more.

Carolina Sanchez: That’s a lot. So a woman comes to see you, Dr. Bawa, and says, “I’m not orgasming. What can I do?” Do you look at just the partner? Is it something with her specifically, or is it a whole range of issues?

05: 16 | Mental and Physical Causes of Orgasm Difficulty

Dr. Bawa: It's a range of issues. You have to see the complete picture. Right? And that's why I started my podcast, Dr. Sex Fairyyy, because I wanted to educate people on the various factors that lead to orgasm. Mm I orgasms don't exist in isolation. You can't have an orgasm if your relationship is not in the right place, if you're not truly connected with your partner. So that's there's mental aspect. You know, your brain is your most important sexual organ by far. So it's not your penis, it's not the vagina, it's your brain. So your emotional state, your psychological state needs to be correct. Whether you need a sex therapist, whether you come speak to me, whether you speak to a girlfriend or for a man, if he speaks to his buddy, you know, we need to talk to people about this.

Carolina Sanchez: Okay, so let’s say it’s not mental. Let’s say it is physical. What exactly are you offering, or what do you address?

Dr. Bawa: I first want to know if a woman is postmenopausal. Perimenopausal. Did she just give birth? Is she a diabetic? Did she have other conditions that may. And all these things do problem, actually affect, yes, they do certain autoimmune conditions. You know, it's, it's a very complex thing. then has she survived cancer? Or is she struggling with cancer right now? You know, this is a tough problem and more women need to be upfront about it and start talking about it, because if we keep sweeping it under the rug, again, who are we helping? Not ourselves. Nobody. Nobody's getting pleasure, then. Nobody's getting any pleasure.

Carolina Sanchez: So those are things that you would address. How would you treat it?

Dr. Bawa: I treat it different. I have come up with a range of treatments and I do them together because they're very synergistic. So we can do one treatment or we can do a few of them together. And I think the more the merrier in this case, because they are cumulative, they work very well together. Now, for instance, I do the BawaShot® where I am taking blood from a lady's arm. Spinning it down into platelet-rich plasma and injecting it into her clitoris. Painlessly, I might add painlessly, Uhhuh. Write clitoris for men. I do it for men and women, and so that helps make a clitoris more sensitive. It increases the size because, you know, I've talked about this on the Big Dick Energy episode with you. Size matters and not just for men. So clitoris shrinks over time.

06: 10 | The BawaShot® and Female Sensitivity

Carolina Sanchez: Wait, it does? Do penises shrink over time too?

Dr. Bawa: Oh, yes ma’am, they do.

Carolina Sanchez: So we’re all just shrinking. Our noses are getting bigger, our butts are getting bigger, but the parts that count, they’re shrinking. What?

Carolina Sanchez: Okay, so size matters. Why? Because there’s more surface for the nerves and things like that?

Dr. Bawa: Do you know that the clitoris is one of the only things I can think of that is made purely for pleasure? Eight thousand nerve endings. The head of a penis only has 4,000.

Carolina Sanchez: Oh, wow.

Dr. Bawa: So what business do we women have not orgasming? Like, what the hell? Women need to be at 95%. We need to be at 100%, my friend.

Carolina Sanchez: Oh, preach it, mama.

Dr. Bawa: We need to be at 100%.

07: 44 | Preservation Before There Is a Problem

Carolina Sanchez: This BawaShot®, which a lot of people are saying is an improvement to the O-Shot—would you say anyone should get it? Is there a particular age?

Dr. Bawa: You know, I'm glad you asked me that question. I always preach the importance of preservation. If I only had a dollar for every time a woman said to me, Dr. Bawa, I don't know that I'm that bad yet. What are you waiting for? Would you like your part to just say, screw this, I'm done.

Carolina Sanchez: So is it preventive?

Dr. Bawa: It’s definitely preventive. You are addressing the issue before it becomes a big thing, because we are slowly, over time, getting worse. So you address the problem before it becomes an issue—before it becomes a problem. We can definitely restore, but you’ll always have your best result if you never let it get that bad to begin with, just like facial aging.

08: 35 | Carolina Sanchez Joins the Podcast

Dr. Bawa: And now listen to my great conversation with Carolina Sanchez.

Carolina Sanchez: You're doing great work with this podcast.

Dr. Bawa: Thank you. And that means a lot to me to have you say that to me and. Just today, I spoke to a patient of mine who came in and said, oh, Dr. Bawa, I listened to this episode and this episode, and he named all the male ones. And I said, have you listened to this one, this one, and this one? He said, no, those don't involve me. I said, well, are you the guest of a vagina? And he said, yes. I said, would you like to be a more frequent guest of a vagina? And he said, yes. And I said, well, then what business do you have not listening to those?

09: 51 | Understanding Your Partner’s Body

Carolina Sanchez: I just, I, again, I, I mean, I have to tell your viewers the way that Dr. Bawa speaks is, is so eloquent and so poised, and it's just, it's butter because she's giving you a jab. She's telling you these very sexual things in such a polite way. The guest of a vagina and darling the way, oh, I just, I freaking love you. That's so funny. Perfect. Oh my God. But that, that, that, that point is exactly true. I mean, come on. You can't expect to have a great sex life if you're only understanding yourself and not understanding your partner as well.

Dr. Bawa: Yeah, and you know, I've done a TikTok video about it, and it had several million views because, Do you want to be in a vagina more often? And the second point, you know, cuz I do some of these pointing ones, the second one was, well then learn how one works.

Carolina Sanchez: But the sad thing is Dr. Bawa, is that the women also don't understand how it works. Right?

Dr. Bawa: No, they don't. They really don't. They can't pick out their own vagina out of, you know, a lineup up. And we talked about this once before because women don't even look at themselves and masturbation is so taboo. if you don't know what pleasures you, how can you show someone how to pleasure you? Right?

Carolina Sanchez: I mean, some women, yeah, like late twenties, are they masturbating? They may have sex and with another person before they masturbate, which is crazy.

Dr. Bawa: That is crazy. I don't have daughters, but I have two sons. I try to have very honest discussions with them, and I don't make sex dirty. I believe in showing physical affection. I've always been a very physically demonstrative mother, so I give them hugs and I cuddle, and I've told them it's okay to show affection. It doesn't make you less of a man to be affectionate with each other or be affectionate with. They've always seen my side of the family be very, very physically affectionate. And so we've kind of normalized that whole thing where affection is okay, it's okay to touch. It's okay to hug, and unfortunately a lot of people find it how to orgasm also because they have no reference point for affection, for touching, for that sort of thing.

11: 25 | Affection, Touch and What We Learn Growing Up

Carolina Sanchez: Absolutely. I mean, I see this, with my friends. I come from a household where physical affection was very prominent. I mean, there's hugs, there's kisses on the cheek, it's mm-hmm. it's, um, you know, holding hands. It's natural, perfectly natural. And even like speaking the words, I love you. almost with every greeting kind of thing. And when I went to college and made my lifelong friends, most of them were South Asian and so they come from households where affection isn't prominent, isn't part of their everyday. So it was very different for them, being confronted by somebody like me who is a huge hugger, who kisses on the cheek when she says hello and who constantly says, I love you. But what I love about it is that, I basically melted that ice.

Dr. Bawa: Oh, absolutely. In fact, when I first came to the US I gave my ex-husband's grandmother a hug, and she just stood there, frozen. Frozen. And I thought, oh my God, did I do something to offend her? I just gave her a hug. It was a lot to get used to. and I don't think I ever melted that ice, but I made up for it, with my side, with my kids. So they are mm-hmm. I think very well adjusted young men, very polite. And I think that tomorrow when they are having sex, when they do have those relationships, I think they will be more balanced.

Carolina Sanchez: And more able to express themselves. They'll be better lovers too. I'm. Because of it Probably cuz they're armed with the tools and the exposure, right?

Dr. Bawa: When we, when we make things so unknown, so prohibited is when things can go quite awry. Even naming body parts, I say, call it a penis, call it a vagina. And they say we can't say the word vagina. I said, why does it change what it is? Why would you call it a stupid word? Call it a vagina. It's okay to use those words. I. it's not okay for you to be having sex at your age because you're not prepared for it emotionally, and you're certainly not prepared for the responsibility of getting somebody pregnant. And they go, Ew, that's disgusting. And I say, no, but that's what happens when you have sex. You can get people pregnant and you can get STDs, and I understand those negative things happen, but sex is beautiful.

Carolina Sanchez: What kind of education are they gonna give them? It's better for you. who is trained and working in this every day. To tell them and educate them than it is for, you know, a teacher who is very much against sex.

13: 22 | Talking to Children About Sex Without Shame

Dr. Bawa: And I tell them there's nothing dirty about it, so get that out of your head. It is not dirty, it's just not right for you at this. because it's complicated. You know, relationships can be a little messy sometimes. I don't think you have the, wherewithal for that right now. So you wait a little bit. But sex is good, sex is great, and someday I hope you have great sex. And then look at me absolutely disgusted and they roll their eyes and say, we are not having this discussion. But I think it's important, right? Because this orgasm gap happens because people don't have these discussions because sex is made. So taboo. And people don't discuss pleasure, and I think we should normalize. Pleasure. Yes, absolutely. Pleasure is good. Pleasure is good.

Carolina Sanchez: It's okay. Whether they talk to you about their sex lives or not. That conversation from you will stick with them. And they will return to that. and more mothers should be this way. As we're saying like it is, it is about pleasure at the end of the day. So women should be communicating those needs more. I mean, in general we should all just be communicating. But what else can a woman do to be more orgasmic?

Dr. Bawa: I think that's a great question and women around the world are thanking you for it. So I think so I think to answer your great question, I'll first go into the negative. what are women suffering from that's keeping them from being orgasmic, because that's an important discussion. So as women get older, women have vaginal laxity or a loose vagina, that's a big problem. Now women think that if they didn't have vaginal childbirth, their vagina is still gonna be tight. I'm sorry ladies, but you heard wrong because even if you had a C-section, even if you never passed a baby through that vaginal canalal, you still had damage. You still had pressure on your bladder. Your uterus still had to deal with pregnancy. Vaginas can be tightened. Vaginas can 100% be tightened and they can be tightened without surgery.

Carolina Sanchez: Yeah, it can, right. And I said that with my, but I mean, you're doing so many things that I, that I don't even think about, you know? And it's like I, I'm aware. Vaginal dryness. I'm aware that libido can be lost, but it's not something that I'm thinking about every day. I'm like planning ahead for, right.

Dr. Bawa: And then what about those women who have painful sex? That's a real problem. and painful sex can be caused by all of the things I just mentioned and many others. Ugh. There's va. Nobody talks about that. In fact, most people haven't even heard of what that word is.

15: 47 | What Keeps Women From Being Orgasmic

Carolina Sanchez: I've never heard about this. I was just gonna say, what is that?

Dr. Bawa: Yeah, well see. You know what happens is sometimes your vagina is just tight. and sometimes it can be caused by anxiety. I've done a whole podcast episode about it where literally I talked about how we can introduce dilators to slowly stretch it to get it used to a little bit at a time, because some of these women are in so much pain, they can't even use a tampon, let alone allow a penis in. So it's a big problem. And then of course, the appearance. The appearance is another huge issue. your labia is gonna get loose and floppy over time. When those girls are slapping around, you don't really want a man to see that necessarily. These can all be fixed though. Everything I mentioned can be fixed for the vaginal laxity, can they be fixed by you? Boo boo? Oh, yes ma'am.

Carolina Sanchez: What do women primarily come for you for?

18: 09 | Painful Sex, Vaginismus and Appearance

Dr. Bawa: Orgasm issues.

Carolina Sanchez: Really?

Dr. Bawa: But they don't always realize that.

Carolina Sanchez: What is the number one solution?

Dr. Bawa: Well, first I have to ask them why they're not orgasming. I ask very, very blunt questions. I have to, if I'm going to ever understand what their problem is. So I'll ask them, do you orgasm with a vibrator? Because that tells me that the parts are working. She'll say yes or no. And then I'll say, well, do you orgasm when your partner goes down on you? And one of them recently said, oh God no. And I thought he wasn't going down on her. And then she said, I don't want him to do that. And I said, why? She said, because I don't know. What if I smell what? And I asked her, is this a new relationship? And she said, no, I've been with him since I was a teenager.

Carolina Sanchez: It's a mental game at the end.

Dr. Bawa: It's a mental game. So I can certainly tighten the vagina. I can do it nonsurgically. And you won't believe the things I can do. I am helping women do Kegels with a machine. yeah. And it’s not the lazy woman’s Kegel, Carolina. It is not. It is a smart woman’s Kegel because you cannot do a Kegel with that intensity. And it's not painful when we do it with the machine. It's not painful. It's just one heck of a good contraction. I should not have used the phrase “vaginal contraction,” because now women are thinking, “Ooh, yuck.” This is a good, way for the muscle to really exercise itself. When you do a little baby one-pound dumbbell, that's not doing a whole lot for you. Now compare that to a 10-pound dumbbell. Much better. A 20-pound dumbbell, even more so. This is just stronger exercise for the muscle.

19: 23 | Why Dr. Bawa Asks Blunt Questions

Carolina Sanchez: I mean, you are the dr. Sex fair. You have to have conditions for Oh no. Array of issues.

Dr. Bawa: And then incontinence. Whether it's stress incontinence, whether it's urge incontinence. Well, I can do all kinds of things like, you know, the radio frequency microneedling I mentioned. I can do that. I can do a CO₂ laser as. And I can also do different, treatments. I have one that's just plain radio frequency. I also have one that is, you know, the Kegel one that helps contract the muscles too. So that will strengthen your pelvic floor. That'll help everything. There are lots of different things I can do. Now we talked about low libido. So why does a woman have low libido apart from the fact that she's probably having crappy. The other physical reason she may have it is hormonal imbalance. So I'm often checking hormone levels on my patients as well.

Carolina Sanchez: So that's a very important thing. And Absolutely.

21: 00 | Pelvic Floor Strength and Vaginal Tightening

Dr. Bawa: And then for vaginal dryness, a lot of the treatments I just mentioned are going to help with that as well. Plus, I can actually inject PRF, which is a stronger form of PRP, and exosomes into the vaginal area. Exosomes are basically messengers; they come from either plant sources or human sources, and they don't have DNA, they don't have blood, none of that. Just the good stuff. And they really help turbocharge my treatments. So there's that. And then, as far as appearance is concerned, oh my God, do women have options now? At least in my office, I can do a labiaplasty nonsurgical. Now you may ask, what is a labiaplasty?

Carolina Sanchez: It's funny, we, we assume, we really only talk about men and their issues. We only talk about erectile dysfunction. But yeah, women go through a whole bunch of stuff. But typically we only talk about, you know, either postpartum mm-hmm. or. Postmenopause. Or during their menopause. Those are the only two times we hear about these things. But just like ED, it can happen any time for any number of reasons. And so we need to not be ashamed about it and, you know, place the call.

22: 32 | Incontinence, Libido and Hormonal Imbalance

Dr. Bawa: And the thing is, if you've had a baby and you're 25, 30 years old, you still have a lifetime ahead. But childbirth and maybe you got vaginal stitches because you tore during the childbirth and now those stitches caused you to have painful sex. Now you're not having sex and you're certainly not orgasming most of the time. So there's help. People like me are around. We can help. So the only thing women have to lose really is more time. They have nothing to lose. Just pick up the phone and make a call. Send me an email. Just contact me. I can do so much now. That's why the podcast is so important because most people don't even know that this exists. Now they do. Boo-boo, now they do. So Carolina, where can people find your show?

Carolina Sanchez: They can go to FOX26Houston.com and look for the Nightcap. Or they can go to YouTube and look for the Nightcap. And if they have a smart TV, we're on Fox Soul, we have our own little channel there. And of course, if they just wanna find us on social and engage with us, we're at the night cap.

23: 45 | Vaginal Dryness and Nonsurgical Labial Rejuvenation

Dr. Bawa: Thank you so much for joining me today. A great discussion as always, and you will have to come back for more.

25: 32 | Women’s Sexual Health at Every Age

Carolina Sanchez: Oh, absolutely. I always have a great time with you, Dr. Bawa. Thank you so much.

26: 44 | Where to Find The Nightcap

Dr. Bawa: Thank you. And to my wonderful listeners, I hope this helped you. I hope it helped you understand that there's hope for you, that there's hope for your partner, that the only thing keeping you from the sex of your dreams is you pick up that phone. Make that call. Send me an email. Until next time.